Starting Fresh, Polyamorous

Thanks to Beginning to Bloom’s post it prompted me to look within myself and see what areas of my life can I either let go of or open up my self to explore more. I was able to relate my current #Romantic predicament to that post, so I’m just going to cut to the chase here, I have been hooking up with Sam for several months off and on. I’ve even cheated with him.

We recently met up and discussed our relationship. We can’t seem to close ourselves off from each other yet we don’t want to commit to one another. His deal is that he wants to stay open to other people in fear of missing out on his “Natalie Portman” and I just want to meet and love on multiple people. I have so much love to give and I can’t get myself to believe that we humans were born to be with just one person for the rest of our lives.

I had this thought, why don’t we start off as a polyamorous couple with no expectations.

I told him that we need to get to know each other and we will do that by spending more time together outside of the bedroom.

He agreed, we will openly date with intention and without expectations.

I will be blogging throughout this new and strange experience. I want to document my emotions and what I learn from this.

I’m doing this really cool thing called whatever I want. And by doing so, I am trying to live as honestly as I can and following my explorations and not conforming to what outside may approve or disapprove of.

First thing I need to do now is, confront Jacob, whom I’ve been seeing for a month, that I started an open relationship with a former hookup.

Ta-Ta for now,

Sydni

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my Birthday! I woke up feeling GREAT!!

I am in great health!

I am abundant!

I am adored!

I have people who love me and care about me!

What more could I wish for?!

Let’s back it up to about 8:30AM when I was chatting with my supervisor about how this Birthday feels different because I am not holding on to expectations. I explained to him that in the past, I would have these high hopes that I would get all of these wishes and sweet phone calls telling me all the wonderful birthday things I want to hear. I continued to go on to him about how most years I would be let down and it would affect my mood on My special day.

This year is different, I exclaimed to him, I wasn’t holding any hopes or expectations. And I left his office with a smile!

But as the texts and the Facebook posts kept flooding in and seeing who they were from, my gut made that sinking feeling deep inside, and I couldn’t shake off the disappointment.

I cried, again, this year.

I only feel this way because I think Birthdays are a BIG deal and they should be made a BIG deal. I am the one who calls at midnight to call and wish my loved ones a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

In the past when they’ve not been reciprocated, I’ve dealt with them like I am doing so now, I write about it. And I try to do better for my loved ones and call them!

I guess the only advice I have for this seemingly impersonal society is to call your loved ones and tell them Happy Birthday. Or just call them for no reason!

Regardless, I know this is so elementary but calling someone really, really makes their day better. For me, it lifts me to hear the genuine tone of my friend’s voices when they call me to check on me.

Calling goes a long way if you can’t see that person face to face.

I am so happy that today I woke up healthy, alive, abundant, adored, looked up to, cherished, loved, warm, safe, well fed, walking, cared for and with a smile on my face!

💜🍓😊Thank you for reading this and the warm thoughts💜🌸✨

Xoxo,

Sydni D.

Thoughts on loneliness

Loneliness can get you into trouble but don’t avoid it like the plague.

Welcome loneliness in like an old friend and when it’s time for them to leave-let it go.

Watch your thoughts, don’t judge the feelings, allow them to be present.

Loneliness can be so unbearable at times and it’s so uncomfortable to experience but if you just allow yourself to be present, aware in the moment, feel what you feel and go through the wave-you’ll come to realize that you’re only human.

Sometimes I wonder why we get ourselves into such dilemmas trying to avert ourselves from loneliness. Does it really feel that bad for that long that you can’t just flow with the moment in it? And I am not meaning to come off as judgmental but merely curious about other’s experiences and thoughts circulating loneliness.

This has been an undeveloped thought of mine-I haven’t thought too hard on the topic but I am so fascinated by all things lonely. My inspiration came from Olivia Laing’s The Lonely City-which is a fabulous read I must admit.

We sometimes wind up doing things to ourselves that can lead to hurting others and ourselves straight out of fear of being lonely. It makes me wonder is that why we stay in relationships we know aren’t right for us? Because we let our limiting beliefs, fears and judgments convince us that somehow we will end up alone and unhappy for a long period of time? I wonder that from time to time because I would have those kind of doubts myself when I was contemplating getting out of a relationship.

I want to further explore this topic and get some feedback. Why do you think we avoid loneliness like an illness? Why is there such stigma towards it? Why can’t we respect it and view it as a developmental growth and as being independent? All thoughts are welcomed and this is a judgment free zone!

Have a beautiful day, lovelies!

Sincerely,

Sydni

Toxic Relationships 

My issues with Kathy Bradley:

Kathy and I have been “best” friends since the 3rd grade. We are now 24 & 25 years old. I don’t need nor want to go into full detail about how toxic she is for me. But back in 2014 we had a joined birthday celebration and she was so mean to me that it prompted me to literally block her out of my life for 9 months. It was spring 2015 when I (regrettably) befriended her. It’s been the same toxicity as ever. And now I see her as the liken my first old beat up car that I had for years.  I’d clung to this car because of the good times I  had and kept hoping it would improve if I worked on it, but I needed to trade it in and let it go so I could get a better car that will provide for me and not break down on me. I wish I could make it that easy with letting go of Kathy.
My issue is now that I have brought her into my friend group (the same one that goes out for Wednesday Margarita night) and I invite her because she now expects it. 

And Luke has her number now and I’m afraid that they’ll communicate about events that we all have planned that I didn’t invite her to…if that should happen, all hell breaks loose.
Kathy has been the type of person who takes a lot of things personally, she’s very self-centered, proof being if she allows herself to take things personally then she thinks it’s about her, all about her. 
And yes, to answer your question, it IS just like walking around egg shells with her. 
I know, I know, “why don’t you just cut her out of your life already?” -I need to. But I don’t want to start any drama in the friend group. I could tell Luke and Raul (the only two that sometimes asks why Kathy isn’t there) that I just need some space from Kathy! And hopefully that won’t prompt them to talk to her or console her about it. 
Confrontation is so healthy. But with Kathy it’s so not. She twists and misinterprets everything. She won’t see my point of view. 
I think what really did me in was when I told her that Tom and I broke up and all she sent me a one line response and didn’t reply to what I said until the next day. Back in March when she told me her long term boyfriend broke up with her, I immediately called her, told her to come over and that she should meet some funny people. I told Tom that I needed to spend some time with Kathy and asked him to go home. 

That’s the difference. 

I can’t believe her sometimes. 

I really would feel so might thinner if she was not in my life at all. 
I need help and some advice. I know I don’t give much explanation as to why she’s toxic except for the fact that everything is usually my fault, she takes what others, mainly me, say really personally and I just think she’s overly immature! 
Anybody have any healthy suggestions?! What do I tell my friend group when I have to explain why Kathy isn’t around? How will I be able to trust that Luke and Raul won’t rat me out to her? Why can’t I just cut her out? Why do I feel like I need an explanation? I think what I’ll do is change Wednesday Margarita night to Wine down Wednesday in my hot tub and not tell her. I don’t need her to be everywhere I am with MY friend group. 
My favorite line to live by : 

You don’t owe anyone an explanation



Please advise! 

The Struggle ends when Gratitude begins

May 11, 2017, 8:07am: [My usual morning after thoughts after a long Wednesday margarita night]

Drinking kills your spirit.

Drinking has put my spirit in a coma. 

I drink for fun. But I don’t depend on drinking to have fun.

I get flirty when I drink.

I have made mistakes by doing that. 

Last night I let Jaxson (some guy I’ve only met twice) lick the salt off my finger. 

I got called out on it.

It was semi-embarrassing.

I tried to deny it.

My friends didn’t like that.

They said, “What about Tom? What will Tom think?”

They think I am sleazy, I am trying to not care.

I feel so down on myself. 

I am naturally flirty, drinking just heightens the experience by 10X.

Jaxson unfriended me from the social media platform, Snapchat. 

I am sure that was the talk of the night. Hopefully a short lived one.

I feel embarrassed now. I had three margaritas. 

I asked Kathy and Luke this morning why would he unfriend me and dumped that issue on them. 

But then quickly replied that I didn’t actually care. 

I feel dumb for texting Luke that question.

Why do I feel like I made a huge mistake?

I feel embarrassed.

They do not play with sleazy people.

There’s no room for that in this group.

But, I am not trying to be sleazy. I was harmlessly flirting. 

They are good people. Should I be thankful they called me out?! 

Jaxson called me out and so did his roommate, Raul, and his brother, Will. 

It was so stupid how Raul blew it way out of proportion. 

I feel stupid. 

SIGH.

I am sitting at my desk typing away. 

To make myself look busy, especially when I don’t have enough work to do.

God. 

Drinking is no fun.

Maybe I should just go sober. I can’t keep up with all these other 20somethings.

I guess it’s time for a new friend group?

What’s wrong with me?

What’s my problem????????????????

Why am I feeling like I am slowly going downward?

I don’t know what I want to do.

I am feeling very upset.

I also don’t like how Kathy has to be involved. I want my OWN friends. 

I need a new friend group. 

I need older friends. Where do I find them?

I fucking hate that alcohol is a depressant. It makes you act like a fool

and you may live to regret it.

Drugs and Alcohol are so stupid. 

Why do they even exist? 

I think it was put on this earth for people to learn from it. 

I am glad I asked Luke afterall, he said that I should bring it up to Jaxson, so I did.

And if Jaxson doesn’t reply, then I know it’s nothing to take personally.
Back to what I was saying, I think drugs and alcohol are put on this earth for certain people to learn from. They chose this path in a way when they were born, their souls knew what the outcome was going to be, they were signing up to use, abuse and die. Their lesson they’re being taught is to overcome this powerful negative (drugs/alcohol) and if they cannot, they die, and have to re-start all over in the next life.

Luke is such a good friend, he sent me a quote, “The Struggle ends when Gratitude beings”. That was nice. 
I am being a little overdramatic right now. And my life is STELLAR. 

I have great friends,

I have a job, 

I have a great mission in life 

I have motivation

I have a cell phone

I have a stellar family

Speaking of family, I told Tom that we need to take a break. 

I also don’t care if Jaxson ever replies or not.

Anyway, sigh. 
I need to get out of my head. And start my work.

Reciprocity doesn’t equal Validation

I need validation-not salvation .

I’m hard on myself and I can’t let go.

I feel so stuck, I yearn to grow.

I think to myself, “I can be more”,

It’s making my life feel more like a chore.
I’ve got blessings I need to address.

Looking back doesn’t mean I regress.

I want to be well thought of with my name on their mind. 

Everyone says I’m one-of- a- kind. 
They sure don’t show it. And it makes me feel unfit. 

There I go again feeling less. I want more people to be bold and confess. 
At the end of the day all I have is myself. I’ll never settle and be put on the shelf.

What do you live for on this day?

Get out in the world and let yourself say

All the beautiful and ugly things that you feel. 

I’m the only one that feels real. 

I don’t need validation. 

I need a vacation. 

Fuck Fomo

It’s loading time. I am sitting on my bed jotting down this thought. 

I have slightly been unenthusiastic about this trip (so unlike me!) due to the fact that I’m going to miss my friends….like what the hell?! I’m leaving for freaking Florida!!! That’s my east coast getaway, baby! And I’m sitting here thinking about how I fear that I will miss out on something that I haven’t already done with my friends. 

I cannot believe this fomo is real right now or really just in my head. 

I’ve had this new group of friends since about early March 2017. It wouldn’t be so bad if Kathy wasn’t freaking in it. 

You see I am the kind of earthling that is skilled in the art of inclusion and it does bite me in my ass. Kathy is my love/dislike best friend but somehow we can’t get away from each other. In late March, Kathy’s boyfriend broke up with her and I just had to drop everything to make sure she was okay and didn’t feel all alone. I invited her to the Wednesday Margarita night and everyone hit it off big time. So ever since then, she’s been part of MY circle. I have to have friends outside of my friends. 

Maybe getting away from everyone will be actually nice and I know it’ll be totally refreshing! I wonder if any of them think this much about me as I do them!? I only have fomo so bad right now because I don’t want to feel “replaced” by Kathy or that Kathy makes all the newest memories with them. I am the one that usually ends up hurt in these situations but that could be because I expect so much from my friends and I have such high standards for the way I live my life! 

I also had this fleeting thought: Why do I care about it? What does it matter if I miss out on silly margarita night with them? I’m going o Florida…so long suckers! 

I also wonder if they’ll even think of me when I’m gone? Will they include me the way that I include them and make them feel important? 

When Tom and I broke up, I called Kathy first but quickly had to go because Raul (who is holding the cake with me in my photo) showed up. So I texted Kathy and told her that Tom and I broke up. All she asked was “and how do you feel?” No phone calls. I replied to her and got no reply until the next day. No asking me if I was okay or if I needed anything. No dropping everything to see if I wanted to spend time with her. 

Can you sense some saltiness? Or is that just the ocean calling? 

God. I love the ocean. It’s mystical. 

Universe and Spirit Guide, I seek to have all of my doubts, worries and fears to be swept away like all the precious sea shells that I can’t ever capture fast enough due to the heavy waves that washes them away.

 Thank you.