Guts going nuts 

Almost birthday Sydni 5/29/17 10:49pm

Dang!
I can’t believe I’m where I’m at in life
I am single
Well since Friday I guess?
It’s been a long weekend
I feel like I’ve been without Tom much longer
I just wanted to be alone and be single
I love the freedom but I just need to befriend myself.

I can’t believe I’m right where I am at.
I just came home from Luke’s apartment and we are friends with benefits, except I’ll never have sex with him. I will keep waiting for Tom. I may have fun in between but for now I like the occasional Luke-time. It all started when we played spin the bottle and we ended up being in 7min in heaven. (I don’t care if that’s a childhood game, I’ve always wanted to play.)

We both had been curious as to what it would be like to kiss each other and it’s cool that we can sexually explore each other and still be friends.
Tonight we went to second base and he put my hand on his crotch and he touched mine. He really knew how to stroke me. Man.

I was washing my hands and getting ready for bed just thinking that maybe I’m slightly disappointed in where I’m at right now in life. I am finally getting retirement. (Mom says that she can sense a relief in the air since my split from Tom, and that I seem much happier but I keep telling her that I’ve just been keeping myself busy.)

Luke says to tell him asap when I’m starting to feel attached. I think I’ve been attracted to  him in a bff way for a while. We have such a great friendship and I don’t want it to be ruined. I do think I just need to follow my gut and stop. Every time I’d bring it up to him, my gut kicked in and as I was headed that way I was in knots and I was leaving Kathy a voicemail driving to Luke’s, I thought about how  I didn’t know what I was even doing or why.

What am I really doing?!

Also, I’m PMSing. Everything is emotionally stressful right now times 10.
I am so glad that I am going away to the beach. It’s finally almost here.

I hope I get so much clarity and answers as I get away and leave everything behind.

I do feel drained and sad and emotional and confused and I just need to be grateful.

I have a killer career. I have a great body. I have really good skills. I’m a genuine and authentic woman. I am independent and funny! I know how to be responsible. I am me and nothing else.

Happy 25th Birthday, Sydni, who knew 25 would be so confusing.

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