“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” Brené Brown
It has been 6 days since we’ve broken up. I don’t even like calling it that because I never felt like I was truly yours or you were mine or that we ever belonged to one another.
I was never fully honest with you from the get-go, which is RARE even ODD of me. I am a human of intellect and communication. I preach openness and honesty. And for me to have treated you the way that I did was so unlike me; so out of character.
But that out of character-ness went hand-in-hand with how I was truly experiencing the newness of my relocating to Florida. Nothing seemed stable nor true, I am still trying to get the shock to wear off.
The night we first met we ended up sleeping together on the couch at Eclipse Studio, your work of place. And I felt compelled to tell you that I was a virgin because in the back of my head I thought that would save me from having to give myself to someone since I was just shy 3 weeks of a fresh break up from a long term relationship. I was trying to save myself for the chance that Tom Britton (my ex) and I got back together, that way I could tell him that I never slept with anyone else post our break up.
You didn’t believe me that I was virgin when I told you that in the heat of the moment and I kept the act up. For the rest of the week, I had you convinced. I knew in the back of my mind it was so wrong. But I also didn’t expect anything more to develop between us. I wasn’t expecting anything more because I had no intention of making it more.
I got myself caught up in what I thought “we” wanted which was nothing what I truly wanted; to be left alone and still have my fun.
I never was going to tell you any of this and that is why I never did…because it would’ve crushed you and that’s the only time I would ever lie to save someone else from severe hurt.
I know I could’ve told you when we first met that I was fresh out of a relationship but I didn’t even want to open that can of worms and you didn’t ask either-remember that time in the shower when you told me about your ex-girlfriends? You never asked me about my past and therefore I didn’t feel inclined to share my past, I had no intentions of sharing either.
The week I flew back to Florida to search the job market, I had to tell you the truth about not being a virgin, and it didn’t feel right to be welcomed into your arms and knowing I had lied to you about something so precious. You asked me how you could trust me and that it would be harder for you to trust me in the future but I assured you that you could.
You called me on my lunch break Monday and we chatted for a bit but my mind wasn’t into it. I was thinking of my weekend plans with my new friend and my new roommate, Jarrod. I was longing to spend time with them instead of with you that weekend. You asked, “So, you’re not going to spend the night Friday and you’re not going to our show on Saturday?” I began thinking about how I didn’t want to be spending every weekend with you because I wanted to be spending it with getting to know Jarrod or with my newly made friends. That is when I knew I had to terminate our relationship.
On Monday night I drove over to your house and I didn’t greet you with loving arms. I sat on your couch and asked you to sit beside me. I opened up about half-way and essentially told you that our relationship was one-sided and doomed. I explained to you that it wasn’t fair for me to stay with you when it’s one-sided and that you shouldn’t wait for me or have any expectations for us. You wouldn’t listen to me and insisted on working it out by suggesting we not talk for a week to see if that would help.
You told me it wasn’t fair that I wasn’t willing to give us a try. But I did. I tried for 2 months; too many months. When I stood up to leave, you came towards me and held my hands then whispered, “I just wish you would be honest with me and tell me the truth.” I hugged you goodbye and cried all the way home.
Here’s the truth. I had no intentions to have a long-term relationship with you. But, I think I mostly got caught up in all of the heat of our moments that I somehow convinced myself that I could make this work with you despite the voice in the back of my head telling me, “What the hell, Sydni?! What are you doing? You need to be alone right now…this will not work out…” In retrospect, I was putting off being alone and embracing loneliness like an upcoming deadline.
I never told anyone about you. I didn’t even tell my Mom about us, only the fact that I would be staying with you on your couch until I found a place of my own. And I tell my Mom everything. To have kept our 2-month romance a secret from my family and closest friends should’ve been an indicator.
I had made a big deal before I left my hometown that I need to be alone and focus on my personal growth-and when I met you, stayed with you, developed a romance with you, I did the exact opposite and I was not living an authentic lifestyle that I deeply desired to.
I carried on for two months with you. Each passing day I was less drawn to you. Each passing day I wanted to be elsewhere. Each passing day I was being held back.
All week I have been wishing you positive experiences and happiness. I have to keep telling myself, “I am sorry to all whom I have hurt with my thoughts, words, and actions. I choose to forgive myself and to open my heart.”
Last night I took Jarrod around town and we hit some of the local bars downtown. The first bar we entered I had instant flashbacks to when I would go with you to watch your band play for hours. I had to excuse myself from Jarrod and went to the bathroom to cry. I was feeling bad for how good you treated me and took care of me and I gave you way less than 100%. I cleaned up and stepped back into the bar and asked Jarrod if we could go outside. The smokiness from the crowd’s cigarettes started to tighten up my chest, making it a struggle to breathe. I started to panic because I didn’t have my inhaler on hand.
Amidst my panic, I looked over to my right and there you were standing in line to get in with your home bro, Andrew. I instantly thought about how Andrew would probably give me a cold shoulder in support of your newfound hatred for me. I was taken aback that he leaned over and gave me a high five and said hey to me. I shyly waved and said hi to you and you gave me a half-assed, closed, bitter smile back.
I watched you walk inside and I let the panic sink in and take over me. Jarrod and I walked off the property and I let it all out. Finding my breath continued to be a struggle and crying only mitigated the situation.
I don’t have a reason for telling you about last night’s insignificance only that when Jarrod and I finally got into the car, I gave him a briefing on our history and ended it in a laugh; I laughed because I thought about how you bitterly smiled at me and the fact that you’re still letting this break up affect you so.
This isn’t what I came to Florida to do.
I am so sorry, Emery.
And holding on to this feeling is not doing me or anyone around any good. I choose to let this go. I choose to forgive myself. I choose to move on.