Time For a Heartbreak

Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” Brené Brown

Hey Emery,

 

It has been 6 days since we’ve broken up. I don’t even like calling it that because I never felt like I was truly yours or you were mine or that we ever belonged to one another.

I was never fully honest with you from the get-go, which is RARE even ODD of me. I am a human of intellect and communication. I preach openness and honesty. And for me to have treated you the way that I did was so unlike me; so out of character.

But that out of character-ness went hand-in-hand with how I was truly experiencing the newness of my relocating to Florida. Nothing seemed stable nor true, I am still trying to get the shock to wear off.

The night we first met we ended up sleeping together on the couch at Eclipse Studio, your work of place. And I felt compelled to tell you that I was a virgin because in the back of my head I thought that would save me from having to give myself to someone since I was just shy 3 weeks of a fresh break up from a long term relationship. I was trying to save myself for the chance that Tom Britton (my ex) and I got back together, that way I could tell him that I never slept with anyone else post our break up.

You didn’t believe me that I was virgin when I told you that in the heat of the moment and I kept the act up. For the rest of the week, I had you convinced. I knew in the back of my mind it was so wrong. But I also didn’t expect anything more to develop between us. I wasn’t expecting anything more because I had no intention of making it more.

I got myself caught up in what I thought “we” wanted which was nothing what I truly wanted; to be left alone and still have my fun.

I never was going to tell you any of this and that is why I never did…because it would’ve crushed you and that’s the only time I would ever lie to save someone else from severe hurt.

I know I could’ve told you when we first met that I was fresh out of a relationship but I didn’t even want to open that can of worms and you didn’t ask either-remember that time in the shower when you told me about your ex-girlfriends? You never asked me about my past and therefore I didn’t feel inclined to share my past, I had no intentions of sharing either.

 

The week I flew back to Florida to search the job market, I had to tell you the truth about not being a virgin, and it didn’t feel right to be welcomed into your arms and knowing I had lied to you about something so precious. You asked me how you could trust me and that it would be harder for you to trust me in the future but I assured you that you could.

 

You called me on my lunch break Monday and we chatted for a bit but my mind wasn’t into it. I was thinking of my weekend plans with my new friend and my new roommate, Jarrod. I was longing to spend time with them instead of with you that weekend. You asked, “So, you’re not going to spend the night Friday and you’re not going to our show on Saturday?” I began thinking about how I didn’t want to be spending every weekend with you because I wanted to be spending it with getting to know Jarrod or with my newly made friends. That is when I knew I had to terminate our relationship.

On Monday night I drove over to your house and I didn’t greet you with loving arms. I sat on your couch and asked you to sit beside me. I opened up about half-way and essentially told you that our relationship was one-sided and doomed. I explained to you that it wasn’t fair for me to stay with you when it’s one-sided and that you shouldn’t wait for me or have any expectations for us. You wouldn’t listen to me and insisted on working it out by suggesting we not talk for a week to see if that would help.

You told me it wasn’t fair that I wasn’t willing to give us a try. But I did. I tried for 2 months; too many months.  When I stood up to leave, you came towards me and held my hands then whispered, “I just wish you would be honest with me and tell me the truth.”  I hugged you goodbye and cried all the way home.

Here’s the truth. I had no intentions to have a long-term relationship with you. But, I think I mostly got caught up in all of the heat of our moments that I somehow convinced myself that I could make this work with you despite the voice in the back of my head telling me, “What the hell, Sydni?! What are you doing? You need to be alone right now…this will not work out…” In retrospect, I was putting off being alone and embracing loneliness like an upcoming deadline.

I never told anyone about you. I didn’t even tell my Mom about us, only the fact that I would be staying with you on your couch until I found a place of my own. And I tell my Mom everything. To have kept our 2-month romance a secret from my family and closest friends should’ve been an indicator.

I had made a big deal before I left my hometown that I need to be alone and focus on my personal growth-and when I met you, stayed with you, developed a romance with you, I did the exact opposite and I was not living an authentic lifestyle that I deeply desired to.

I carried on for two months with you.  Each passing day I was less drawn to you. Each passing day I wanted to be elsewhere. Each passing day I was being held back.

All week I have been wishing you positive experiences and happiness. I have to keep telling myself, “I am sorry to all whom I have hurt with my thoughts, words, and actions. I choose to forgive myself and to open my heart.”

Last night I took Jarrod around town and we hit some of the local bars downtown. The first bar we entered I had instant flashbacks to when I would go with you to watch your band play for hours. I had to excuse myself from Jarrod and went to the bathroom to cry. I was feeling bad for how good you treated me and took care of me and I gave you way less than 100%. I cleaned up and stepped back into the bar and asked Jarrod if we could go outside. The smokiness from the crowd’s cigarettes started to tighten up my chest, making it a struggle to breathe. I started to panic because I didn’t have my inhaler on hand.

Amidst my panic, I looked over to my right and there you were standing in line to get in with your home bro, Andrew. I instantly thought about how Andrew would probably give me a cold shoulder in support of your newfound hatred for me. I was taken aback that he leaned over and gave me a high five and said hey to me. I shyly waved and said hi to you and you gave me a half-assed, closed, bitter smile back.

I watched you walk inside and I let the panic sink in and take over me. Jarrod and I walked off the property and I let it all out. Finding my breath continued to be a struggle and crying only mitigated the situation.

I don’t have a reason for telling you about last night’s insignificance only that when Jarrod and I finally got into the car, I gave him a briefing on our history and ended it in a laugh; I laughed because I thought about how you bitterly smiled at me and the fact that you’re still letting this break up affect you so.

This isn’t what I came to Florida to do.

I am so sorry, Emery.

And holding on to this feeling is not doing me or anyone around any good. I choose to let this go. I choose to forgive myself. I choose to move on.

Be well.

 

 

 

 

 

Alexithymia

I will never go on another family vacation. I got into a stupid tiff with my Mom. All today I have felt like a pubescent teen and all whiny. She got so insulted at me for explaining to her why I held her purse for her, so she wouldn’t lose it/forget about it. Everyone in the family knows that my Mom loses things, but that was not my intention at all to insult her or make her feel like an idiot…c’mon and what child would set out to do so anyway?!

I could see why she took what I said do personally but it really rattled me. I waved my hand in her face when she snapped at me and like the 25 year old pubescent teen that I am, I mouthed back “whatever”! And left the store. 
As soon as I headed towards the car I started to tear up and feel alone. 

I feel so alone. I have felt this since yesterday when we arrived to Florida. 

I’m with my family and I’ve never felt this lonely before. 

I checked the doors to see if they were locked and sure enough. So I headed out on my journey to walk back to the condo. 

“At least I’m exploring Florida on my own! Gosh, I’m so independent!” I thought and then suddenly the worry of my Mom freaking out and not being able to find me replaced my joyous walk. 

I didn’t carry any devices on me to communicate my whereabouts. 

I made it safely back to the condo and hopped in the tub for about 30 minutes to wash away my frustration. 

Now, I’m sitting in my room with my dinner. I am still trying to get over my mom. 

And now that I’m alone, I can’t help to think that I wish I never had attractions to Luke. I just began to feel a little possessive because I was his first true friend here in this city and introduced him to a lot. And I felt we had a great friendship & bond. 

To him, we still do, to me, I need more. 
I want to start fresh and get a new life, meet new people and remind myself to not have expectations. 

I don’t really miss my friends at home but I wish they would miss me? No, that’s not the thought, I wish they would reach out to me the way I reach out to them. That’s it! 

And not just when I’m on vacation but I mean in general. I am the one doing most of the reaching out…hello..who do you think got Wednesday Margarita nights together?! Anyway, I wish people would reach out and include me the way I include them. Maybe they do from time to time but I like to do it constantly and in return I hope for the same. And that’s when I get upset and down. Because I expect..I hope.. I want. 
Last night my not so best friend, Frances, messaged me out of the blue. I think this is a sign. We had so much fun together in the past but she would use me so much as her own little venting machine. I got drained and tired of her not putting effort into me the way I did into her. 

(Does anyone else see this pattern of mine? I distanced myself from Frances because she wouldn’t reciprocate nearly the way I did or as often as I did, and now I’m wanting to do the same with the runaround crew I have now.) 

Anyway, she and I had so much fun together and got in hell of a lot of trouble…those are stories for another day.. 

she reached out to me…actually. Just what I was wanting!!! 

We are going bar hopping when I get back from Florida. 

We both agreed that we need fun in our lives and I’m fucking tired of waiting on my runaround crew to ask me. It’s about fucking time I get up and have my own fun without expectations. 

Like I keep saying in almost all of my blogs, if Kathy was not in this runaround group I think I would feel better. The minute that she’s not included in margarita night, all hell breaks lose and it’s me that pays the price..I get bitten in the fucking ass. 
But to hell with it, it’s my life and I’m the one living it. 
Life is what you make it!

The Struggle ends when Gratitude begins

May 11, 2017, 8:07am: [My usual morning after thoughts after a long Wednesday margarita night]

Drinking kills your spirit.

Drinking has put my spirit in a coma. 

I drink for fun. But I don’t depend on drinking to have fun.

I get flirty when I drink.

I have made mistakes by doing that. 

Last night I let Jaxson (some guy I’ve only met twice) lick the salt off my finger. 

I got called out on it.

It was semi-embarrassing.

I tried to deny it.

My friends didn’t like that.

They said, “What about Tom? What will Tom think?”

They think I am sleazy, I am trying to not care.

I feel so down on myself. 

I am naturally flirty, drinking just heightens the experience by 10X.

Jaxson unfriended me from the social media platform, Snapchat. 

I am sure that was the talk of the night. Hopefully a short lived one.

I feel embarrassed now. I had three margaritas. 

I asked Kathy and Luke this morning why would he unfriend me and dumped that issue on them. 

But then quickly replied that I didn’t actually care. 

I feel dumb for texting Luke that question.

Why do I feel like I made a huge mistake?

I feel embarrassed.

They do not play with sleazy people.

There’s no room for that in this group.

But, I am not trying to be sleazy. I was harmlessly flirting. 

They are good people. Should I be thankful they called me out?! 

Jaxson called me out and so did his roommate, Raul, and his brother, Will. 

It was so stupid how Raul blew it way out of proportion. 

I feel stupid. 

SIGH.

I am sitting at my desk typing away. 

To make myself look busy, especially when I don’t have enough work to do.

God. 

Drinking is no fun.

Maybe I should just go sober. I can’t keep up with all these other 20somethings.

I guess it’s time for a new friend group?

What’s wrong with me?

What’s my problem????????????????

Why am I feeling like I am slowly going downward?

I don’t know what I want to do.

I am feeling very upset.

I also don’t like how Kathy has to be involved. I want my OWN friends. 

I need a new friend group. 

I need older friends. Where do I find them?

I fucking hate that alcohol is a depressant. It makes you act like a fool

and you may live to regret it.

Drugs and Alcohol are so stupid. 

Why do they even exist? 

I think it was put on this earth for people to learn from it. 

I am glad I asked Luke afterall, he said that I should bring it up to Jaxson, so I did.

And if Jaxson doesn’t reply, then I know it’s nothing to take personally.
Back to what I was saying, I think drugs and alcohol are put on this earth for certain people to learn from. They chose this path in a way when they were born, their souls knew what the outcome was going to be, they were signing up to use, abuse and die. Their lesson they’re being taught is to overcome this powerful negative (drugs/alcohol) and if they cannot, they die, and have to re-start all over in the next life.

Luke is such a good friend, he sent me a quote, “The Struggle ends when Gratitude beings”. That was nice. 
I am being a little overdramatic right now. And my life is STELLAR. 

I have great friends,

I have a job, 

I have a great mission in life 

I have motivation

I have a cell phone

I have a stellar family

Speaking of family, I told Tom that we need to take a break. 

I also don’t care if Jaxson ever replies or not.

Anyway, sigh. 
I need to get out of my head. And start my work.

Reciprocity doesn’t equal Validation

I need validation-not salvation .

I’m hard on myself and I can’t let go.

I feel so stuck, I yearn to grow.

I think to myself, “I can be more”,

It’s making my life feel more like a chore.
I’ve got blessings I need to address.

Looking back doesn’t mean I regress.

I want to be well thought of with my name on their mind. 

Everyone says I’m one-of- a- kind. 
They sure don’t show it. And it makes me feel unfit. 

There I go again feeling less. I want more people to be bold and confess. 
At the end of the day all I have is myself. I’ll never settle and be put on the shelf.

What do you live for on this day?

Get out in the world and let yourself say

All the beautiful and ugly things that you feel. 

I’m the only one that feels real. 

I don’t need validation. 

I need a vacation.