Time For a Heartbreak

Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” Brené Brown

Hey Emery,

 

It has been 6 days since we’ve broken up. I don’t even like calling it that because I never felt like I was truly yours or you were mine or that we ever belonged to one another.

I was never fully honest with you from the get-go, which is RARE even ODD of me. I am a human of intellect and communication. I preach openness and honesty. And for me to have treated you the way that I did was so unlike me; so out of character.

But that out of character-ness went hand-in-hand with how I was truly experiencing the newness of my relocating to Florida. Nothing seemed stable nor true, I am still trying to get the shock to wear off.

The night we first met we ended up sleeping together on the couch at Eclipse Studio, your work of place. And I felt compelled to tell you that I was a virgin because in the back of my head I thought that would save me from having to give myself to someone since I was just shy 3 weeks of a fresh break up from a long term relationship. I was trying to save myself for the chance that Tom Britton (my ex) and I got back together, that way I could tell him that I never slept with anyone else post our break up.

You didn’t believe me that I was virgin when I told you that in the heat of the moment and I kept the act up. For the rest of the week, I had you convinced. I knew in the back of my mind it was so wrong. But I also didn’t expect anything more to develop between us. I wasn’t expecting anything more because I had no intention of making it more.

I got myself caught up in what I thought “we” wanted which was nothing what I truly wanted; to be left alone and still have my fun.

I never was going to tell you any of this and that is why I never did…because it would’ve crushed you and that’s the only time I would ever lie to save someone else from severe hurt.

I know I could’ve told you when we first met that I was fresh out of a relationship but I didn’t even want to open that can of worms and you didn’t ask either-remember that time in the shower when you told me about your ex-girlfriends? You never asked me about my past and therefore I didn’t feel inclined to share my past, I had no intentions of sharing either.

 

The week I flew back to Florida to search the job market, I had to tell you the truth about not being a virgin, and it didn’t feel right to be welcomed into your arms and knowing I had lied to you about something so precious. You asked me how you could trust me and that it would be harder for you to trust me in the future but I assured you that you could.

 

You called me on my lunch break Monday and we chatted for a bit but my mind wasn’t into it. I was thinking of my weekend plans with my new friend and my new roommate, Jarrod. I was longing to spend time with them instead of with you that weekend. You asked, “So, you’re not going to spend the night Friday and you’re not going to our show on Saturday?” I began thinking about how I didn’t want to be spending every weekend with you because I wanted to be spending it with getting to know Jarrod or with my newly made friends. That is when I knew I had to terminate our relationship.

On Monday night I drove over to your house and I didn’t greet you with loving arms. I sat on your couch and asked you to sit beside me. I opened up about half-way and essentially told you that our relationship was one-sided and doomed. I explained to you that it wasn’t fair for me to stay with you when it’s one-sided and that you shouldn’t wait for me or have any expectations for us. You wouldn’t listen to me and insisted on working it out by suggesting we not talk for a week to see if that would help.

You told me it wasn’t fair that I wasn’t willing to give us a try. But I did. I tried for 2 months; too many months.  When I stood up to leave, you came towards me and held my hands then whispered, “I just wish you would be honest with me and tell me the truth.”  I hugged you goodbye and cried all the way home.

Here’s the truth. I had no intentions to have a long-term relationship with you. But, I think I mostly got caught up in all of the heat of our moments that I somehow convinced myself that I could make this work with you despite the voice in the back of my head telling me, “What the hell, Sydni?! What are you doing? You need to be alone right now…this will not work out…” In retrospect, I was putting off being alone and embracing loneliness like an upcoming deadline.

I never told anyone about you. I didn’t even tell my Mom about us, only the fact that I would be staying with you on your couch until I found a place of my own. And I tell my Mom everything. To have kept our 2-month romance a secret from my family and closest friends should’ve been an indicator.

I had made a big deal before I left my hometown that I need to be alone and focus on my personal growth-and when I met you, stayed with you, developed a romance with you, I did the exact opposite and I was not living an authentic lifestyle that I deeply desired to.

I carried on for two months with you.  Each passing day I was less drawn to you. Each passing day I wanted to be elsewhere. Each passing day I was being held back.

All week I have been wishing you positive experiences and happiness. I have to keep telling myself, “I am sorry to all whom I have hurt with my thoughts, words, and actions. I choose to forgive myself and to open my heart.”

Last night I took Jarrod around town and we hit some of the local bars downtown. The first bar we entered I had instant flashbacks to when I would go with you to watch your band play for hours. I had to excuse myself from Jarrod and went to the bathroom to cry. I was feeling bad for how good you treated me and took care of me and I gave you way less than 100%. I cleaned up and stepped back into the bar and asked Jarrod if we could go outside. The smokiness from the crowd’s cigarettes started to tighten up my chest, making it a struggle to breathe. I started to panic because I didn’t have my inhaler on hand.

Amidst my panic, I looked over to my right and there you were standing in line to get in with your home bro, Andrew. I instantly thought about how Andrew would probably give me a cold shoulder in support of your newfound hatred for me. I was taken aback that he leaned over and gave me a high five and said hey to me. I shyly waved and said hi to you and you gave me a half-assed, closed, bitter smile back.

I watched you walk inside and I let the panic sink in and take over me. Jarrod and I walked off the property and I let it all out. Finding my breath continued to be a struggle and crying only mitigated the situation.

I don’t have a reason for telling you about last night’s insignificance only that when Jarrod and I finally got into the car, I gave him a briefing on our history and ended it in a laugh; I laughed because I thought about how you bitterly smiled at me and the fact that you’re still letting this break up affect you so.

This isn’t what I came to Florida to do.

I am so sorry, Emery.

And holding on to this feeling is not doing me or anyone around any good. I choose to let this go. I choose to forgive myself. I choose to move on.

Be well.

 

 

 

 

 

Toxic Relationships 

My issues with Kathy Bradley:

Kathy and I have been “best” friends since the 3rd grade. We are now 24 & 25 years old. I don’t need nor want to go into full detail about how toxic she is for me. But back in 2014 we had a joined birthday celebration and she was so mean to me that it prompted me to literally block her out of my life for 9 months. It was spring 2015 when I (regrettably) befriended her. It’s been the same toxicity as ever. And now I see her as the liken my first old beat up car that I had for years.  I’d clung to this car because of the good times I  had and kept hoping it would improve if I worked on it, but I needed to trade it in and let it go so I could get a better car that will provide for me and not break down on me. I wish I could make it that easy with letting go of Kathy.
My issue is now that I have brought her into my friend group (the same one that goes out for Wednesday Margarita night) and I invite her because she now expects it. 

And Luke has her number now and I’m afraid that they’ll communicate about events that we all have planned that I didn’t invite her to…if that should happen, all hell breaks loose.
Kathy has been the type of person who takes a lot of things personally, she’s very self-centered, proof being if she allows herself to take things personally then she thinks it’s about her, all about her. 
And yes, to answer your question, it IS just like walking around egg shells with her. 
I know, I know, “why don’t you just cut her out of your life already?” -I need to. But I don’t want to start any drama in the friend group. I could tell Luke and Raul (the only two that sometimes asks why Kathy isn’t there) that I just need some space from Kathy! And hopefully that won’t prompt them to talk to her or console her about it. 
Confrontation is so healthy. But with Kathy it’s so not. She twists and misinterprets everything. She won’t see my point of view. 
I think what really did me in was when I told her that Tom and I broke up and all she sent me a one line response and didn’t reply to what I said until the next day. Back in March when she told me her long term boyfriend broke up with her, I immediately called her, told her to come over and that she should meet some funny people. I told Tom that I needed to spend some time with Kathy and asked him to go home. 

That’s the difference. 

I can’t believe her sometimes. 

I really would feel so might thinner if she was not in my life at all. 
I need help and some advice. I know I don’t give much explanation as to why she’s toxic except for the fact that everything is usually my fault, she takes what others, mainly me, say really personally and I just think she’s overly immature! 
Anybody have any healthy suggestions?! What do I tell my friend group when I have to explain why Kathy isn’t around? How will I be able to trust that Luke and Raul won’t rat me out to her? Why can’t I just cut her out? Why do I feel like I need an explanation? I think what I’ll do is change Wednesday Margarita night to Wine down Wednesday in my hot tub and not tell her. I don’t need her to be everywhere I am with MY friend group. 
My favorite line to live by : 

You don’t owe anyone an explanation



Please advise! 

Alexithymia

I will never go on another family vacation. I got into a stupid tiff with my Mom. All today I have felt like a pubescent teen and all whiny. She got so insulted at me for explaining to her why I held her purse for her, so she wouldn’t lose it/forget about it. Everyone in the family knows that my Mom loses things, but that was not my intention at all to insult her or make her feel like an idiot…c’mon and what child would set out to do so anyway?!

I could see why she took what I said do personally but it really rattled me. I waved my hand in her face when she snapped at me and like the 25 year old pubescent teen that I am, I mouthed back “whatever”! And left the store. 
As soon as I headed towards the car I started to tear up and feel alone. 

I feel so alone. I have felt this since yesterday when we arrived to Florida. 

I’m with my family and I’ve never felt this lonely before. 

I checked the doors to see if they were locked and sure enough. So I headed out on my journey to walk back to the condo. 

“At least I’m exploring Florida on my own! Gosh, I’m so independent!” I thought and then suddenly the worry of my Mom freaking out and not being able to find me replaced my joyous walk. 

I didn’t carry any devices on me to communicate my whereabouts. 

I made it safely back to the condo and hopped in the tub for about 30 minutes to wash away my frustration. 

Now, I’m sitting in my room with my dinner. I am still trying to get over my mom. 

And now that I’m alone, I can’t help to think that I wish I never had attractions to Luke. I just began to feel a little possessive because I was his first true friend here in this city and introduced him to a lot. And I felt we had a great friendship & bond. 

To him, we still do, to me, I need more. 
I want to start fresh and get a new life, meet new people and remind myself to not have expectations. 

I don’t really miss my friends at home but I wish they would miss me? No, that’s not the thought, I wish they would reach out to me the way I reach out to them. That’s it! 

And not just when I’m on vacation but I mean in general. I am the one doing most of the reaching out…hello..who do you think got Wednesday Margarita nights together?! Anyway, I wish people would reach out and include me the way I include them. Maybe they do from time to time but I like to do it constantly and in return I hope for the same. And that’s when I get upset and down. Because I expect..I hope.. I want. 
Last night my not so best friend, Frances, messaged me out of the blue. I think this is a sign. We had so much fun together in the past but she would use me so much as her own little venting machine. I got drained and tired of her not putting effort into me the way I did into her. 

(Does anyone else see this pattern of mine? I distanced myself from Frances because she wouldn’t reciprocate nearly the way I did or as often as I did, and now I’m wanting to do the same with the runaround crew I have now.) 

Anyway, she and I had so much fun together and got in hell of a lot of trouble…those are stories for another day.. 

she reached out to me…actually. Just what I was wanting!!! 

We are going bar hopping when I get back from Florida. 

We both agreed that we need fun in our lives and I’m fucking tired of waiting on my runaround crew to ask me. It’s about fucking time I get up and have my own fun without expectations. 

Like I keep saying in almost all of my blogs, if Kathy was not in this runaround group I think I would feel better. The minute that she’s not included in margarita night, all hell breaks lose and it’s me that pays the price..I get bitten in the fucking ass. 
But to hell with it, it’s my life and I’m the one living it. 
Life is what you make it!

Reciprocity doesn’t equal Validation

I need validation-not salvation .

I’m hard on myself and I can’t let go.

I feel so stuck, I yearn to grow.

I think to myself, “I can be more”,

It’s making my life feel more like a chore.
I’ve got blessings I need to address.

Looking back doesn’t mean I regress.

I want to be well thought of with my name on their mind. 

Everyone says I’m one-of- a- kind. 
They sure don’t show it. And it makes me feel unfit. 

There I go again feeling less. I want more people to be bold and confess. 
At the end of the day all I have is myself. I’ll never settle and be put on the shelf.

What do you live for on this day?

Get out in the world and let yourself say

All the beautiful and ugly things that you feel. 

I’m the only one that feels real. 

I don’t need validation. 

I need a vacation. 

Fuck Fomo

It’s loading time. I am sitting on my bed jotting down this thought. 

I have slightly been unenthusiastic about this trip (so unlike me!) due to the fact that I’m going to miss my friends….like what the hell?! I’m leaving for freaking Florida!!! That’s my east coast getaway, baby! And I’m sitting here thinking about how I fear that I will miss out on something that I haven’t already done with my friends. 

I cannot believe this fomo is real right now or really just in my head. 

I’ve had this new group of friends since about early March 2017. It wouldn’t be so bad if Kathy wasn’t freaking in it. 

You see I am the kind of earthling that is skilled in the art of inclusion and it does bite me in my ass. Kathy is my love/dislike best friend but somehow we can’t get away from each other. In late March, Kathy’s boyfriend broke up with her and I just had to drop everything to make sure she was okay and didn’t feel all alone. I invited her to the Wednesday Margarita night and everyone hit it off big time. So ever since then, she’s been part of MY circle. I have to have friends outside of my friends. 

Maybe getting away from everyone will be actually nice and I know it’ll be totally refreshing! I wonder if any of them think this much about me as I do them!? I only have fomo so bad right now because I don’t want to feel “replaced” by Kathy or that Kathy makes all the newest memories with them. I am the one that usually ends up hurt in these situations but that could be because I expect so much from my friends and I have such high standards for the way I live my life! 

I also had this fleeting thought: Why do I care about it? What does it matter if I miss out on silly margarita night with them? I’m going o Florida…so long suckers! 

I also wonder if they’ll even think of me when I’m gone? Will they include me the way that I include them and make them feel important? 

When Tom and I broke up, I called Kathy first but quickly had to go because Raul (who is holding the cake with me in my photo) showed up. So I texted Kathy and told her that Tom and I broke up. All she asked was “and how do you feel?” No phone calls. I replied to her and got no reply until the next day. No asking me if I was okay or if I needed anything. No dropping everything to see if I wanted to spend time with her. 

Can you sense some saltiness? Or is that just the ocean calling? 

God. I love the ocean. It’s mystical. 

Universe and Spirit Guide, I seek to have all of my doubts, worries and fears to be swept away like all the precious sea shells that I can’t ever capture fast enough due to the heavy waves that washes them away.

 Thank you.