Toxic Relationships 

My issues with Kathy Bradley:

Kathy and I have been “best” friends since the 3rd grade. We are now 24 & 25 years old. I don’t need nor want to go into full detail about how toxic she is for me. But back in 2014 we had a joined birthday celebration and she was so mean to me that it prompted me to literally block her out of my life for 9 months. It was spring 2015 when I (regrettably) befriended her. It’s been the same toxicity as ever. And now I see her as the liken my first old beat up car that I had for years.  I’d clung to this car because of the good times I  had and kept hoping it would improve if I worked on it, but I needed to trade it in and let it go so I could get a better car that will provide for me and not break down on me. I wish I could make it that easy with letting go of Kathy.
My issue is now that I have brought her into my friend group (the same one that goes out for Wednesday Margarita night) and I invite her because she now expects it. 

And Luke has her number now and I’m afraid that they’ll communicate about events that we all have planned that I didn’t invite her to…if that should happen, all hell breaks loose.
Kathy has been the type of person who takes a lot of things personally, she’s very self-centered, proof being if she allows herself to take things personally then she thinks it’s about her, all about her. 
And yes, to answer your question, it IS just like walking around egg shells with her. 
I know, I know, “why don’t you just cut her out of your life already?” -I need to. But I don’t want to start any drama in the friend group. I could tell Luke and Raul (the only two that sometimes asks why Kathy isn’t there) that I just need some space from Kathy! And hopefully that won’t prompt them to talk to her or console her about it. 
Confrontation is so healthy. But with Kathy it’s so not. She twists and misinterprets everything. She won’t see my point of view. 
I think what really did me in was when I told her that Tom and I broke up and all she sent me a one line response and didn’t reply to what I said until the next day. Back in March when she told me her long term boyfriend broke up with her, I immediately called her, told her to come over and that she should meet some funny people. I told Tom that I needed to spend some time with Kathy and asked him to go home. 

That’s the difference. 

I can’t believe her sometimes. 

I really would feel so might thinner if she was not in my life at all. 
I need help and some advice. I know I don’t give much explanation as to why she’s toxic except for the fact that everything is usually my fault, she takes what others, mainly me, say really personally and I just think she’s overly immature! 
Anybody have any healthy suggestions?! What do I tell my friend group when I have to explain why Kathy isn’t around? How will I be able to trust that Luke and Raul won’t rat me out to her? Why can’t I just cut her out? Why do I feel like I need an explanation? I think what I’ll do is change Wednesday Margarita night to Wine down Wednesday in my hot tub and not tell her. I don’t need her to be everywhere I am with MY friend group. 
My favorite line to live by : 

You don’t owe anyone an explanation

Please advise! 

Fuck Fomo

It’s loading time. I am sitting on my bed jotting down this thought. 

I have slightly been unenthusiastic about this trip (so unlike me!) due to the fact that I’m going to miss my friends….like what the hell?! I’m leaving for freaking Florida!!! That’s my east coast getaway, baby! And I’m sitting here thinking about how I fear that I will miss out on something that I haven’t already done with my friends. 

I cannot believe this fomo is real right now or really just in my head. 

I’ve had this new group of friends since about early March 2017. It wouldn’t be so bad if Kathy wasn’t freaking in it. 

You see I am the kind of earthling that is skilled in the art of inclusion and it does bite me in my ass. Kathy is my love/dislike best friend but somehow we can’t get away from each other. In late March, Kathy’s boyfriend broke up with her and I just had to drop everything to make sure she was okay and didn’t feel all alone. I invited her to the Wednesday Margarita night and everyone hit it off big time. So ever since then, she’s been part of MY circle. I have to have friends outside of my friends. 

Maybe getting away from everyone will be actually nice and I know it’ll be totally refreshing! I wonder if any of them think this much about me as I do them!? I only have fomo so bad right now because I don’t want to feel “replaced” by Kathy or that Kathy makes all the newest memories with them. I am the one that usually ends up hurt in these situations but that could be because I expect so much from my friends and I have such high standards for the way I live my life! 

I also had this fleeting thought: Why do I care about it? What does it matter if I miss out on silly margarita night with them? I’m going o Florida…so long suckers! 

I also wonder if they’ll even think of me when I’m gone? Will they include me the way that I include them and make them feel important? 

When Tom and I broke up, I called Kathy first but quickly had to go because Raul (who is holding the cake with me in my photo) showed up. So I texted Kathy and told her that Tom and I broke up. All she asked was “and how do you feel?” No phone calls. I replied to her and got no reply until the next day. No asking me if I was okay or if I needed anything. No dropping everything to see if I wanted to spend time with her. 

Can you sense some saltiness? Or is that just the ocean calling? 

God. I love the ocean. It’s mystical. 

Universe and Spirit Guide, I seek to have all of my doubts, worries and fears to be swept away like all the precious sea shells that I can’t ever capture fast enough due to the heavy waves that washes them away.

 Thank you. 

What I want you to know 

I am sitting at work yet again. Why am I not a blogger or a writer? I have WAY too many thoughts, yo.
I’ve been using the word “dude” a lot lately, it’s like as if I’ve time traveled to my 17 year old self again. 

I finally got over myself since yesterday. I was feeling super crummy straight out of 10. Want to know the worst thing to experience on YOUR birthday….PMS. 
It ‘s a down-right tragic. Not really. I’m trying to sound like I’m a savvy slice of charm.
It wasn’t THAT tragic but it was just a down-right downer!! You hear me? 
My supervisor asked me to share my calendar with her via outlook, that’s super tech. 
So back to me getting over myself. (There’s some commotion out in the hallway and the laughter fills my heart and ears with joy!!) 

Someone bought a coke. 

I was really in my feels yesterday and just sick of the world and my friends in it. 
I was just really thinking of Asheville, NC and how zen, green and yoga it is. 

I had such epic bedhead today and I made it even sloppier and sprayed it. I look GOOD. 

Speaking of knowing things, I do know my worth. I know how WORTHY I truly am. I also know the type of person I am, which is: HIGHLY emotionally intelligent, I possess an unusual high amount of thoughtfulness (I say this because it really throws people off of their rocking horse). I know I am not narcissistic. I know that I STRIVE every day to be MORE kind, more patient, MORE enthusiastic, more empowering, more inspiring, MORE of everything. I do know I am VERY hard on myself. I need to CUT IT OUT, Joey!

I get tired of hearing from those who really care about me that I am “so thoughtful and so caring and so sweet, and that I touch the hearts of those around me….”and etc., I am tired of hearing all of these kind-hearted comments about myself/my personality because these are things that I already know and things that I was born with, it’s the same to me as if someone came up to me and said, “Wow, Sydni, you were born with 2 eyes and a brain, how glamorous”…I KNOW THIS ABOUT ME. I live it. I breathe it. I manifest it. I share it. And it blows people away.

I know people like Ms.O, Steph, Tina oxford comma and Walton love me and genuinely mean all of these good things about myself, 
but that’s just IT 
I DON’T WANT TO BE JUST NOTICED FOR ALL OF THESE THINGS. I know just HOW good of a person I am and I am so grateful that my sprit guide and universe have helped me COME SO FAR and to this point in my life. but I want more from life. 

It saddens me because people shouldn’t be surprised by my niceness and my authentic genuine and trustworthy thoughtful self. It saddens me to the core because it amazes me that people are shocked by these traits and deem them as “Uncommon”…I know I’m kind of an exception because my traits are VERY uncommon in most people especially of those around MY AGE! People are living their lives thinking that they are treated the way they deserve….and that’s not always so good because their perceptions of themselves and everyone else is WRONG. ALL earthlings and non-earthlings need to be treated with deep-rooted respect and utmost love, no harm done unto others, be it physical, psychological, no harm ever. It leaves  me feeling dumbfounded that people are amazed by my good qualities. I am in self-love mode right now, do not mistake it for anything else; don’t get it twisted.

Another issue since it’s 11:30AM on the rise to High Noon, 
I know that we live in a world where it’s a “ME ME ME” narrative. I get it, I totally get it. We need to love ourselves and put ourselves first and no one comes first before me…I’ve got to look out for me because I’m all I’ve got at the end of the day, blah blah blah zebrashit. …
…YES, you MUST love yourself FIRST but you can ALSO love others AT THE SAME TIME ALL THE TIME. WHOA!!!! !@#!@#@@$@#%^#^ GNARLY!
We don’t have to live in a world where it’s a one woman/man out for themselves kind of life. We are here to support and empower each other, not tear each other down and judge. We do need to take good care of ourselves but another way to help yourself and take good care of yourself is to take good care of those around you and those who are strange(rs). Smile more and ask if you can do something for someone, more.
I sometimes feel like my friends get wrapped up in their own good times/fantasies/self-care/their way to the top/their own career/their own tiny world that they truly miss out on the ones who really want to be with them and may actually need their attention and genuine affection. 

I get it, people get so wrapped up in their own work life, home life, dog life, friend life, family life, and life’s life oxford comma they accidentally forget. They don’t think about it. They don’t mean to, they just allow themselves to get so dang tangled in this web they call “busy life of me”. They forget the simplest way to just be. 
I know I am not perfect. I forget. But I make the intention to not. I make the intention to be thoughtful.
It’s all in OUR intention and what truly matters to us. What really excites us to our bones. 

Anyway, I have said enough about all of that. 

Boy news: I FINALLY figured out why Kathy was trying so exxxtra hard to hangout with me and sugar coat and butter me up…I hung out with Luke on Monday, May 29th, 2017 and he told me that for a straight week he tried to “talk” to Kathy…I am sure some flirting went on but anyway, Kathy finally asked me a little while later how I really felt about Luke and I told her that I had a minor crush on him and whatnot. [[For your information, not that you need it, but I wouldn’t date Luke, it’s just a friend crush, the usual and cliché one that every boy and girl friends develop merely from curiosity]]. ANYWAY, she really was going somewhat the exxxtra mile to “please” me almost. She felt bad. She wanted to reassure me that I am her #1 and that boys would never get in the way of the 18 years of friendship. But in really made sense. I thought she might’ve had a change of heart and just really wanted to hangout with me because of ME for ME..not for HER benefit of SAVING FACE. Cooll Sydni. I really know how to pick ’em. 

I want to manifiest and ask for more genuine friends. Also, I am not ungrateful. As I was typing my “Boy news” section, Emily called me and we chatted. She is my co-worker, spunky, co-worker. 
I am so happy she’s in my life. I am so glad that the Universe graced me with her existence. And Tina’s and Walton’s 🙂

Thank you. 

I guess I just really want to manifest more of a runaround crew that are genuine and want to have a slammin’ good time. Like my current runaround crew. I just get tired of my friend group sometimes and that’s why I WANT friends outside of this current friend group and one that doesn’t INVOVLE KATHY!!! 
“Say what you mean and do what you say”-the Danes-we can all learn from them