Alexithymia

I will never go on another family vacation. I got into a stupid tiff with my Mom. All today I have felt like a pubescent teen and all whiny. She got so insulted at me for explaining to her why I held her purse for her, so she wouldn’t lose it/forget about it. Everyone in the family knows that my Mom loses things, but that was not my intention at all to insult her or make her feel like an idiot…c’mon and what child would set out to do so anyway?!

I could see why she took what I said do personally but it really rattled me. I waved my hand in her face when she snapped at me and like the 25 year old pubescent teen that I am, I mouthed back “whatever”! And left the store. 
As soon as I headed towards the car I started to tear up and feel alone. 

I feel so alone. I have felt this since yesterday when we arrived to Florida. 

I’m with my family and I’ve never felt this lonely before. 

I checked the doors to see if they were locked and sure enough. So I headed out on my journey to walk back to the condo. 

“At least I’m exploring Florida on my own! Gosh, I’m so independent!” I thought and then suddenly the worry of my Mom freaking out and not being able to find me replaced my joyous walk. 

I didn’t carry any devices on me to communicate my whereabouts. 

I made it safely back to the condo and hopped in the tub for about 30 minutes to wash away my frustration. 

Now, I’m sitting in my room with my dinner. I am still trying to get over my mom. 

And now that I’m alone, I can’t help to think that I wish I never had attractions to Luke. I just began to feel a little possessive because I was his first true friend here in this city and introduced him to a lot. And I felt we had a great friendship & bond. 

To him, we still do, to me, I need more. 
I want to start fresh and get a new life, meet new people and remind myself to not have expectations. 

I don’t really miss my friends at home but I wish they would miss me? No, that’s not the thought, I wish they would reach out to me the way I reach out to them. That’s it! 

And not just when I’m on vacation but I mean in general. I am the one doing most of the reaching out…hello..who do you think got Wednesday Margarita nights together?! Anyway, I wish people would reach out and include me the way I include them. Maybe they do from time to time but I like to do it constantly and in return I hope for the same. And that’s when I get upset and down. Because I expect..I hope.. I want. 
Last night my not so best friend, Frances, messaged me out of the blue. I think this is a sign. We had so much fun together in the past but she would use me so much as her own little venting machine. I got drained and tired of her not putting effort into me the way I did into her. 

(Does anyone else see this pattern of mine? I distanced myself from Frances because she wouldn’t reciprocate nearly the way I did or as often as I did, and now I’m wanting to do the same with the runaround crew I have now.) 

Anyway, she and I had so much fun together and got in hell of a lot of trouble…those are stories for another day.. 

she reached out to me…actually. Just what I was wanting!!! 

We are going bar hopping when I get back from Florida. 

We both agreed that we need fun in our lives and I’m fucking tired of waiting on my runaround crew to ask me. It’s about fucking time I get up and have my own fun without expectations. 

Like I keep saying in almost all of my blogs, if Kathy was not in this runaround group I think I would feel better. The minute that she’s not included in margarita night, all hell breaks lose and it’s me that pays the price..I get bitten in the fucking ass. 
But to hell with it, it’s my life and I’m the one living it. 
Life is what you make it!

Reciprocity doesn’t equal Validation

I need validation-not salvation .

I’m hard on myself and I can’t let go.

I feel so stuck, I yearn to grow.

I think to myself, “I can be more”,

It’s making my life feel more like a chore.
I’ve got blessings I need to address.

Looking back doesn’t mean I regress.

I want to be well thought of with my name on their mind. 

Everyone says I’m one-of- a- kind. 
They sure don’t show it. And it makes me feel unfit. 

There I go again feeling less. I want more people to be bold and confess. 
At the end of the day all I have is myself. I’ll never settle and be put on the shelf.

What do you live for on this day?

Get out in the world and let yourself say

All the beautiful and ugly things that you feel. 

I’m the only one that feels real. 

I don’t need validation. 

I need a vacation.