Toxic Relationships 

My issues with Kathy Bradley:

Kathy and I have been “best” friends since the 3rd grade. We are now 24 & 25 years old. I don’t need nor want to go into full detail about how toxic she is for me. But back in 2014 we had a joined birthday celebration and she was so mean to me that it prompted me to literally block her out of my life for 9 months. It was spring 2015 when I (regrettably) befriended her. It’s been the same toxicity as ever. And now I see her as the liken my first old beat up car that I had for years.  I’d clung to this car because of the good times I  had and kept hoping it would improve if I worked on it, but I needed to trade it in and let it go so I could get a better car that will provide for me and not break down on me. I wish I could make it that easy with letting go of Kathy.
My issue is now that I have brought her into my friend group (the same one that goes out for Wednesday Margarita night) and I invite her because she now expects it. 

And Luke has her number now and I’m afraid that they’ll communicate about events that we all have planned that I didn’t invite her to…if that should happen, all hell breaks loose.
Kathy has been the type of person who takes a lot of things personally, she’s very self-centered, proof being if she allows herself to take things personally then she thinks it’s about her, all about her. 
And yes, to answer your question, it IS just like walking around egg shells with her. 
I know, I know, “why don’t you just cut her out of your life already?” -I need to. But I don’t want to start any drama in the friend group. I could tell Luke and Raul (the only two that sometimes asks why Kathy isn’t there) that I just need some space from Kathy! And hopefully that won’t prompt them to talk to her or console her about it. 
Confrontation is so healthy. But with Kathy it’s so not. She twists and misinterprets everything. She won’t see my point of view. 
I think what really did me in was when I told her that Tom and I broke up and all she sent me a one line response and didn’t reply to what I said until the next day. Back in March when she told me her long term boyfriend broke up with her, I immediately called her, told her to come over and that she should meet some funny people. I told Tom that I needed to spend some time with Kathy and asked him to go home. 

That’s the difference. 

I can’t believe her sometimes. 

I really would feel so might thinner if she was not in my life at all. 
I need help and some advice. I know I don’t give much explanation as to why she’s toxic except for the fact that everything is usually my fault, she takes what others, mainly me, say really personally and I just think she’s overly immature! 
Anybody have any healthy suggestions?! What do I tell my friend group when I have to explain why Kathy isn’t around? How will I be able to trust that Luke and Raul won’t rat me out to her? Why can’t I just cut her out? Why do I feel like I need an explanation? I think what I’ll do is change Wednesday Margarita night to Wine down Wednesday in my hot tub and not tell her. I don’t need her to be everywhere I am with MY friend group. 
My favorite line to live by : 

You don’t owe anyone an explanation



Please advise! 

Alexithymia

I will never go on another family vacation. I got into a stupid tiff with my Mom. All today I have felt like a pubescent teen and all whiny. She got so insulted at me for explaining to her why I held her purse for her, so she wouldn’t lose it/forget about it. Everyone in the family knows that my Mom loses things, but that was not my intention at all to insult her or make her feel like an idiot…c’mon and what child would set out to do so anyway?!

I could see why she took what I said do personally but it really rattled me. I waved my hand in her face when she snapped at me and like the 25 year old pubescent teen that I am, I mouthed back “whatever”! And left the store. 
As soon as I headed towards the car I started to tear up and feel alone. 

I feel so alone. I have felt this since yesterday when we arrived to Florida. 

I’m with my family and I’ve never felt this lonely before. 

I checked the doors to see if they were locked and sure enough. So I headed out on my journey to walk back to the condo. 

“At least I’m exploring Florida on my own! Gosh, I’m so independent!” I thought and then suddenly the worry of my Mom freaking out and not being able to find me replaced my joyous walk. 

I didn’t carry any devices on me to communicate my whereabouts. 

I made it safely back to the condo and hopped in the tub for about 30 minutes to wash away my frustration. 

Now, I’m sitting in my room with my dinner. I am still trying to get over my mom. 

And now that I’m alone, I can’t help to think that I wish I never had attractions to Luke. I just began to feel a little possessive because I was his first true friend here in this city and introduced him to a lot. And I felt we had a great friendship & bond. 

To him, we still do, to me, I need more. 
I want to start fresh and get a new life, meet new people and remind myself to not have expectations. 

I don’t really miss my friends at home but I wish they would miss me? No, that’s not the thought, I wish they would reach out to me the way I reach out to them. That’s it! 

And not just when I’m on vacation but I mean in general. I am the one doing most of the reaching out…hello..who do you think got Wednesday Margarita nights together?! Anyway, I wish people would reach out and include me the way I include them. Maybe they do from time to time but I like to do it constantly and in return I hope for the same. And that’s when I get upset and down. Because I expect..I hope.. I want. 
Last night my not so best friend, Frances, messaged me out of the blue. I think this is a sign. We had so much fun together in the past but she would use me so much as her own little venting machine. I got drained and tired of her not putting effort into me the way I did into her. 

(Does anyone else see this pattern of mine? I distanced myself from Frances because she wouldn’t reciprocate nearly the way I did or as often as I did, and now I’m wanting to do the same with the runaround crew I have now.) 

Anyway, she and I had so much fun together and got in hell of a lot of trouble…those are stories for another day.. 

she reached out to me…actually. Just what I was wanting!!! 

We are going bar hopping when I get back from Florida. 

We both agreed that we need fun in our lives and I’m fucking tired of waiting on my runaround crew to ask me. It’s about fucking time I get up and have my own fun without expectations. 

Like I keep saying in almost all of my blogs, if Kathy was not in this runaround group I think I would feel better. The minute that she’s not included in margarita night, all hell breaks lose and it’s me that pays the price..I get bitten in the fucking ass. 
But to hell with it, it’s my life and I’m the one living it. 
Life is what you make it!

The Struggle ends when Gratitude begins

May 11, 2017, 8:07am: [My usual morning after thoughts after a long Wednesday margarita night]

Drinking kills your spirit.

Drinking has put my spirit in a coma. 

I drink for fun. But I don’t depend on drinking to have fun.

I get flirty when I drink.

I have made mistakes by doing that. 

Last night I let Jaxson (some guy I’ve only met twice) lick the salt off my finger. 

I got called out on it.

It was semi-embarrassing.

I tried to deny it.

My friends didn’t like that.

They said, “What about Tom? What will Tom think?”

They think I am sleazy, I am trying to not care.

I feel so down on myself. 

I am naturally flirty, drinking just heightens the experience by 10X.

Jaxson unfriended me from the social media platform, Snapchat. 

I am sure that was the talk of the night. Hopefully a short lived one.

I feel embarrassed now. I had three margaritas. 

I asked Kathy and Luke this morning why would he unfriend me and dumped that issue on them. 

But then quickly replied that I didn’t actually care. 

I feel dumb for texting Luke that question.

Why do I feel like I made a huge mistake?

I feel embarrassed.

They do not play with sleazy people.

There’s no room for that in this group.

But, I am not trying to be sleazy. I was harmlessly flirting. 

They are good people. Should I be thankful they called me out?! 

Jaxson called me out and so did his roommate, Raul, and his brother, Will. 

It was so stupid how Raul blew it way out of proportion. 

I feel stupid. 

SIGH.

I am sitting at my desk typing away. 

To make myself look busy, especially when I don’t have enough work to do.

God. 

Drinking is no fun.

Maybe I should just go sober. I can’t keep up with all these other 20somethings.

I guess it’s time for a new friend group?

What’s wrong with me?

What’s my problem????????????????

Why am I feeling like I am slowly going downward?

I don’t know what I want to do.

I am feeling very upset.

I also don’t like how Kathy has to be involved. I want my OWN friends. 

I need a new friend group. 

I need older friends. Where do I find them?

I fucking hate that alcohol is a depressant. It makes you act like a fool

and you may live to regret it.

Drugs and Alcohol are so stupid. 

Why do they even exist? 

I think it was put on this earth for people to learn from it. 

I am glad I asked Luke afterall, he said that I should bring it up to Jaxson, so I did.

And if Jaxson doesn’t reply, then I know it’s nothing to take personally.
Back to what I was saying, I think drugs and alcohol are put on this earth for certain people to learn from. They chose this path in a way when they were born, their souls knew what the outcome was going to be, they were signing up to use, abuse and die. Their lesson they’re being taught is to overcome this powerful negative (drugs/alcohol) and if they cannot, they die, and have to re-start all over in the next life.

Luke is such a good friend, he sent me a quote, “The Struggle ends when Gratitude beings”. That was nice. 
I am being a little overdramatic right now. And my life is STELLAR. 

I have great friends,

I have a job, 

I have a great mission in life 

I have motivation

I have a cell phone

I have a stellar family

Speaking of family, I told Tom that we need to take a break. 

I also don’t care if Jaxson ever replies or not.

Anyway, sigh. 
I need to get out of my head. And start my work.

Reciprocity doesn’t equal Validation

I need validation-not salvation .

I’m hard on myself and I can’t let go.

I feel so stuck, I yearn to grow.

I think to myself, “I can be more”,

It’s making my life feel more like a chore.
I’ve got blessings I need to address.

Looking back doesn’t mean I regress.

I want to be well thought of with my name on their mind. 

Everyone says I’m one-of- a- kind. 
They sure don’t show it. And it makes me feel unfit. 

There I go again feeling less. I want more people to be bold and confess. 
At the end of the day all I have is myself. I’ll never settle and be put on the shelf.

What do you live for on this day?

Get out in the world and let yourself say

All the beautiful and ugly things that you feel. 

I’m the only one that feels real. 

I don’t need validation. 

I need a vacation.