Fuck Fomo

It’s loading time. I am sitting on my bed jotting down this thought. 

I have slightly been unenthusiastic about this trip (so unlike me!) due to the fact that I’m going to miss my friends….like what the hell?! I’m leaving for freaking Florida!!! That’s my east coast getaway, baby! And I’m sitting here thinking about how I fear that I will miss out on something that I haven’t already done with my friends. 

I cannot believe this fomo is real right now or really just in my head. 

I’ve had this new group of friends since about early March 2017. It wouldn’t be so bad if Kathy wasn’t freaking in it. 

You see I am the kind of earthling that is skilled in the art of inclusion and it does bite me in my ass. Kathy is my love/dislike best friend but somehow we can’t get away from each other. In late March, Kathy’s boyfriend broke up with her and I just had to drop everything to make sure she was okay and didn’t feel all alone. I invited her to the Wednesday Margarita night and everyone hit it off big time. So ever since then, she’s been part of MY circle. I have to have friends outside of my friends. 

Maybe getting away from everyone will be actually nice and I know it’ll be totally refreshing! I wonder if any of them think this much about me as I do them!? I only have fomo so bad right now because I don’t want to feel “replaced” by Kathy or that Kathy makes all the newest memories with them. I am the one that usually ends up hurt in these situations but that could be because I expect so much from my friends and I have such high standards for the way I live my life! 

I also had this fleeting thought: Why do I care about it? What does it matter if I miss out on silly margarita night with them? I’m going o Florida…so long suckers! 

I also wonder if they’ll even think of me when I’m gone? Will they include me the way that I include them and make them feel important? 

When Tom and I broke up, I called Kathy first but quickly had to go because Raul (who is holding the cake with me in my photo) showed up. So I texted Kathy and told her that Tom and I broke up. All she asked was “and how do you feel?” No phone calls. I replied to her and got no reply until the next day. No asking me if I was okay or if I needed anything. No dropping everything to see if I wanted to spend time with her. 

Can you sense some saltiness? Or is that just the ocean calling? 

God. I love the ocean. It’s mystical. 

Universe and Spirit Guide, I seek to have all of my doubts, worries and fears to be swept away like all the precious sea shells that I can’t ever capture fast enough due to the heavy waves that washes them away.

 Thank you. 

Freshly Single

I’ve never liked 13:00. I am so glad it’s coming to an end. I don’t like the way the sun hits my city at that time. It’s the same feeling I get whenever I’m sitting in a room and the sun suddenly goes behind a cloud, making the room subtly darker.

Tom and I broke up on 5/26/17 after a 2.5 week long break. I sent him a message about how I found someone I could relate to being 25 and fresh out of a long-term relationship. As you can plainly see here, he didn’t like my word choice. 

About 5 months into our relationship I just knew I was going to marry Tom. I even started wedding planning, which is so unlike me!! I went wild! 

On my side of the relationship about 6 months in, it began to go downhill from there. I am not going to go into detail but long story short, I hadn’t given my heart, soul, body Oxford comma mind a break between my previous boyfriend and with Tom. 

I literally jumped out from one and onto the other in 3 snaps! 

I knew this was going to bite me in the fucking ass. I kept that on the back burner. I just knew I needed a break from relationships. 

I want to marry and settle down but I can’t get myself to actually want to. There’s something in me that’s too rowdy and wild to settle down. And I love it. 

But at the same time I’m afraid that I won’t ever be married. I also hate it that people place emphasis on not letting “the right one” go, why can’t people just be happy for that individual to have been able to confidently make up their mind about what they don’t want? 

I’m leaving to go to the beach tomorrow at 6:00. I haven’t packed and it’s 19:35. 

I should be jumping out of my skin because I get to go away at last and get a break from here but I am not. Sigh. 

Tom would be going with my family and me. I dreaded uninviting him when we were on our break. 

I’m still trying to figure out why I think I need to be single. Why I have cleared everything in my path and what is the Universe preparing me for?

The struggle ends when gratitude begins-Wise somebody 

Tipsy is easy

About every Wednesday night I gather my runaround crew and we head out to Margarita night.

Tonight especially felt special to me since I am leaving for Florida on 6. 2. 2017 and we had about 12-14 people show up at our table. I secretly can’t wait to get away from everyone and just clear my head. I know I keep mentioning this but to hell with redundancy. I am ready to get hell out of dodge for a while.

It was only special to me because I will be out of town, out of sight, out of mind Oxford comma out of reach for a  while. I am so glad I am able to escape this city for a while.

Luke showed up tonight and I was hoping that he would pay some attention to me. At one point during the night, I caught him looking at me and we exchanged facial greetings and agreed to talk after everyone had left.

The crowd was filled with laughter, alcohol, flirting, eye gazing, wonder, amusement Oxford Comma a soul searching good time.

It was 20:00 when Bethany, Lexi and Ben all decided to leave which prompted the entire table to get up and leave. We marched right behind one another out the door. I was filled with unexpected disappointment because I was not ready to go but I followed the crowd.

I am pleased to say that Kathy actually let Luke and I be alone as she excused herself and left.

Earlier today while I was at work, I was researching and reading articles as to why it’s a BAD idea to be friends with benefits. I opened up to Luke and told him that every time I thought about us as being FWB my stomach would turn in knots. I told him how I was at such a sensitive point in my life especially since Tom and I left each other just 3.5 WEEKS AGO! Uhm..hello…….not.

And Luke just had to say the most beautiful thing to me, “Sydni, our friendship comes first, no matter what.” As he witnessed me wiping my tears for the very first time.

I told him that I had a lot of fun but the curiosity was what really pulled us in and what was about to kill us….our authentic and beautiful relationship that we had built since February.

Luke and I can consider ourselves very lucky to have been able to pull ourselves out of a mess that would’ve left one or both of us hurt, deeply hurt. I do not want to be in any more pain than I am already in. I don’t want to sacrifice my wonderful friendship with Luke. We have so much fun together just doing the simplest things.

Tipsy is easy because there are NO FILTERS. We hugged it out several times. He asked me again when would I be back from Florida and I replied as we headed our separate ways back to our cars, “I don’t know when maybe I will just show up”. I could hear his voice in the distance behind me, “All right, Sydni, see you later”.

“Do not expect things in life, ask for them. Do not assume and do not take things personally. And always try your best”-My evening motto

Also, NEVER sell yourself and your worth short. You mean the world to me. Love yourslef. 

 

Love yourself and never sell yourself short!

 

What I want you to know 

I am sitting at work yet again. Why am I not a blogger or a writer? I have WAY too many thoughts, yo.
I’ve been using the word “dude” a lot lately, it’s like as if I’ve time traveled to my 17 year old self again. 

I finally got over myself since yesterday. I was feeling super crummy straight out of 10. Want to know the worst thing to experience on YOUR birthday….PMS. 
It ‘s a down-right tragic. Not really. I’m trying to sound like I’m a savvy slice of charm.
It wasn’t THAT tragic but it was just a down-right downer!! You hear me? 
My supervisor asked me to share my calendar with her via outlook, that’s super tech. 
So back to me getting over myself. (There’s some commotion out in the hallway and the laughter fills my heart and ears with joy!!) 

Someone bought a coke. 

I was really in my feels yesterday and just sick of the world and my friends in it. 
I was just really thinking of Asheville, NC and how zen, green and yoga it is. 
*SIGH*********************

I had such epic bedhead today and I made it even sloppier and sprayed it. I look GOOD. 

Speaking of knowing things, I do know my worth. I know how WORTHY I truly am. I also know the type of person I am, which is: HIGHLY emotionally intelligent, I possess an unusual high amount of thoughtfulness (I say this because it really throws people off of their rocking horse). I know I am not narcissistic. I know that I STRIVE every day to be MORE kind, more patient, MORE enthusiastic, more empowering, more inspiring, MORE of everything. I do know I am VERY hard on myself. I need to CUT IT OUT, Joey!

I get tired of hearing from those who really care about me that I am “so thoughtful and so caring and so sweet, and that I touch the hearts of those around me….”and etc., I am tired of hearing all of these kind-hearted comments about myself/my personality because these are things that I already know and things that I was born with, it’s the same to me as if someone came up to me and said, “Wow, Sydni, you were born with 2 eyes and a brain, how glamorous”…I KNOW THIS ABOUT ME. I live it. I breathe it. I manifest it. I share it. And it blows people away.

I know people like Ms.O, Steph, Tina oxford comma and Walton love me and genuinely mean all of these good things about myself, 
but that’s just IT 
I DON’T WANT TO BE JUST NOTICED FOR ALL OF THESE THINGS. I know just HOW good of a person I am and I am so grateful that my sprit guide and universe have helped me COME SO FAR and to this point in my life. but I want more from life. 

It saddens me because people shouldn’t be surprised by my niceness and my authentic genuine and trustworthy thoughtful self. It saddens me to the core because it amazes me that people are shocked by these traits and deem them as “Uncommon”…I know I’m kind of an exception because my traits are VERY uncommon in most people especially of those around MY AGE! People are living their lives thinking that they are treated the way they deserve….and that’s not always so good because their perceptions of themselves and everyone else is WRONG. ALL earthlings and non-earthlings need to be treated with deep-rooted respect and utmost love, no harm done unto others, be it physical, psychological, no harm ever. It leaves  me feeling dumbfounded that people are amazed by my good qualities. I am in self-love mode right now, do not mistake it for anything else; don’t get it twisted.

Another issue since it’s 11:30AM on the rise to High Noon, 
I know that we live in a world where it’s a “ME ME ME” narrative. I get it, I totally get it. We need to love ourselves and put ourselves first and no one comes first before me…I’ve got to look out for me because I’m all I’ve got at the end of the day, blah blah blah zebrashit. …
…YES, you MUST love yourself FIRST but you can ALSO love others AT THE SAME TIME ALL THE TIME. WHOA!!!! !@#!@#@@$@#%^#^ GNARLY!
We don’t have to live in a world where it’s a one woman/man out for themselves kind of life. We are here to support and empower each other, not tear each other down and judge. We do need to take good care of ourselves but another way to help yourself and take good care of yourself is to take good care of those around you and those who are strange(rs). Smile more and ask if you can do something for someone, more.
I sometimes feel like my friends get wrapped up in their own good times/fantasies/self-care/their way to the top/their own career/their own tiny world that they truly miss out on the ones who really want to be with them and may actually need their attention and genuine affection. 

I get it, people get so wrapped up in their own work life, home life, dog life, friend life, family life, and life’s life oxford comma they accidentally forget. They don’t think about it. They don’t mean to, they just allow themselves to get so dang tangled in this web they call “busy life of me”. They forget the simplest way to just be. 
I know I am not perfect. I forget. But I make the intention to not. I make the intention to be thoughtful.
It’s all in OUR intention and what truly matters to us. What really excites us to our bones. 

Anyway, I have said enough about all of that. 

Boy news: I FINALLY figured out why Kathy was trying so exxxtra hard to hangout with me and sugar coat and butter me up…I hung out with Luke on Monday, May 29th, 2017 and he told me that for a straight week he tried to “talk” to Kathy…I am sure some flirting went on but anyway, Kathy finally asked me a little while later how I really felt about Luke and I told her that I had a minor crush on him and whatnot. [[For your information, not that you need it, but I wouldn’t date Luke, it’s just a friend crush, the usual and cliché one that every boy and girl friends develop merely from curiosity]]. ANYWAY, she really was going somewhat the exxxtra mile to “please” me almost. She felt bad. She wanted to reassure me that I am her #1 and that boys would never get in the way of the 18 years of friendship. But in hindsight..it really made sense. I thought she might’ve had a change of heart and just really wanted to hangout with me because of ME for ME..not for HER benefit of SAVING FACE. Cooll Sydni. I really know how to pick ’em. 

I want to manifiest and ask for more genuine friends. Also, I am not ungrateful. As I was typing my “Boy news” section, Emily called me and we chatted. She is my co-worker, spunky, co-worker. 
I am so happy she’s in my life. I am so glad that the Universe graced me with her existence. And Tina’s and Walton’s 🙂

Thank you. 

I guess I just really want to manifest more of a runaround crew that are genuine and want to have a slammin’ good time. Like my current runaround crew. I just get tired of my friend group sometimes and that’s why I WANT friends outside of this current friend group and one that doesn’t INVOVLE KATHY!!! 
“Say what you mean and do what you say”-the Danes-we can all learn from them

Guts going nuts 

Almost birthday Sydni 5/29/17 10:49pm

Dang!
I can’t believe I’m where I’m at in life
I am single
Well since Friday I guess?
It’s been a long weekend
I feel like I’ve been without Tom much longer
I just wanted to be alone and be single
I love the freedom but I just need to befriend myself.

I can’t believe I’m right where I am at.
I just came home from Luke’s apartment and we are friends with benefits, except I’ll never have sex with him. I will keep waiting for Tom. I may have fun in between but for now I like the occasional Luke-time. It all started when we played spin the bottle and we ended up being in 7min in heaven. (I don’t care if that’s a childhood game, I’ve always wanted to play.)

We both had been curious as to what it would be like to kiss each other and it’s cool that we can sexually explore each other and still be friends.
Tonight we went to second base and he put my hand on his crotch and he touched mine. He really knew how to stroke me. Man.

I was washing my hands and getting ready for bed just thinking that maybe I’m slightly disappointed in where I’m at right now in life. I am finally getting retirement. (Mom says that she can sense a relief in the air since my split from Tom, and that I seem much happier but I keep telling her that I’ve just been keeping myself busy.)

Luke says to tell him asap when I’m starting to feel attached. I think I’ve been attracted to  him in a bff way for a while. We have such a great friendship and I don’t want it to be ruined. I do think I just need to follow my gut and stop. Every time I’d bring it up to him, my gut kicked in and as I was headed that way I was in knots and I was leaving Kathy a voicemail driving to Luke’s, I thought about how  I didn’t know what I was even doing or why.

What am I really doing?!

Also, I’m PMSing. Everything is emotionally stressful right now times 10.
I am so glad that I am going away to the beach. It’s finally almost here.

I hope I get so much clarity and answers as I get away and leave everything behind.

I do feel drained and sad and emotional and confused and I just need to be grateful.

I have a killer career. I have a great body. I have really good skills. I’m a genuine and authentic woman. I am independent and funny! I know how to be responsible. I am me and nothing else.

Happy 25th Birthday, Sydni, who knew 25 would be so confusing.