Starting Fresh, Polyamorous

Thanks to Beginning to Bloom’s post it prompted me to look within myself and see what areas of my life can I either let go of or open up my self to explore more. I was able to relate my current #Romantic predicament to that post, so I’m just going to cut to the chase here, I have been hooking up with Sam for several months off and on. I’ve even cheated with him.

We recently met up and discussed our relationship. We can’t seem to close ourselves off from each other yet we don’t want to commit to one another. His deal is that he wants to stay open to other people in fear of missing out on his “Natalie Portman” and I just want to meet and love on multiple people. I have so much love to give and I can’t get myself to believe that we humans were born to be with just one person for the rest of our lives.

I had this thought, why don’t we start off as a polyamorous couple with no expectations.

I told him that we need to get to know each other and we will do that by spending more time together outside of the bedroom.

He agreed, we will openly date with intention and without expectations.

I will be blogging throughout this new and strange experience. I want to document my emotions and what I learn from this.

I’m doing this really cool thing called whatever I want. And by doing so, I am trying to live as honestly as I can and following my explorations and not conforming to what outside may approve or disapprove of.

First thing I need to do now is, confront Jacob, whom I’ve been seeing for a month, that I started an open relationship with a former hookup.

Ta-Ta for now,

Sydni

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my Birthday! I woke up feeling GREAT!!

I am in great health!

I am abundant!

I am adored!

I have people who love me and care about me!

What more could I wish for?!

Let’s back it up to about 8:30AM when I was chatting with my supervisor about how this Birthday feels different because I am not holding on to expectations. I explained to him that in the past, I would have these high hopes that I would get all of these wishes and sweet phone calls telling me all the wonderful birthday things I want to hear. I continued to go on to him about how most years I would be let down and it would affect my mood on My special day.

This year is different, I exclaimed to him, I wasn’t holding any hopes or expectations. And I left his office with a smile!

But as the texts and the Facebook posts kept flooding in and seeing who they were from, my gut made that sinking feeling deep inside, and I couldn’t shake off the disappointment.

I cried, again, this year.

I only feel this way because I think Birthdays are a BIG deal and they should be made a BIG deal. I am the one who calls at midnight to call and wish my loved ones a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

In the past when they’ve not been reciprocated, I’ve dealt with them like I am doing so now, I write about it. And I try to do better for my loved ones and call them!

I guess the only advice I have for this seemingly impersonal society is to call your loved ones and tell them Happy Birthday. Or just call them for no reason!

Regardless, I know this is so elementary but calling someone really, really makes their day better. For me, it lifts me to hear the genuine tone of my friend’s voices when they call me to check on me.

Calling goes a long way if you can’t see that person face to face.

I am so happy that today I woke up healthy, alive, abundant, adored, looked up to, cherished, loved, warm, safe, well fed, walking, cared for and with a smile on my face!

💜🍓😊Thank you for reading this and the warm thoughts💜🌸✨

Xoxo,

Sydni D.

Thoughts on loneliness

Loneliness can get you into trouble but don’t avoid it like the plague.

Welcome loneliness in like an old friend and when it’s time for them to leave-let it go.

Watch your thoughts, don’t judge the feelings, allow them to be present.

Loneliness can be so unbearable at times and it’s so uncomfortable to experience but if you just allow yourself to be present, aware in the moment, feel what you feel and go through the wave-you’ll come to realize that you’re only human.

Sometimes I wonder why we get ourselves into such dilemmas trying to avert ourselves from loneliness. Does it really feel that bad for that long that you can’t just flow with the moment in it? And I am not meaning to come off as judgmental but merely curious about other’s experiences and thoughts circulating loneliness.

This has been an undeveloped thought of mine-I haven’t thought too hard on the topic but I am so fascinated by all things lonely. My inspiration came from Olivia Laing’s The Lonely City-which is a fabulous read I must admit.

We sometimes wind up doing things to ourselves that can lead to hurting others and ourselves straight out of fear of being lonely. It makes me wonder is that why we stay in relationships we know aren’t right for us? Because we let our limiting beliefs, fears and judgments convince us that somehow we will end up alone and unhappy for a long period of time? I wonder that from time to time because I would have those kind of doubts myself when I was contemplating getting out of a relationship.

I want to further explore this topic and get some feedback. Why do you think we avoid loneliness like an illness? Why is there such stigma towards it? Why can’t we respect it and view it as a developmental growth and as being independent? All thoughts are welcomed and this is a judgment free zone!

Have a beautiful day, lovelies!

Sincerely,

Sydni