Thoughts on loneliness

Loneliness can get you into trouble but don’t avoid it like the plague.

Welcome loneliness in like an old friend and when it’s time for them to leave-let it go.

Watch your thoughts, don’t judge the feelings, allow them to be present.

Loneliness can be so unbearable at times and it’s so uncomfortable to experience but if you just allow yourself to be present, aware in the moment, feel what you feel and go through the wave-you’ll come to realize that you’re only human.

Sometimes I wonder why we get ourselves into such dilemmas trying to avert ourselves from loneliness. Does it really feel that bad for that long that you can’t just flow with the moment in it? And I am not meaning to come off as judgmental but merely curious about other’s experiences and thoughts circulating loneliness.

This has been an undeveloped thought of mine-I haven’t thought too hard on the topic but I am so fascinated by all things lonely. My inspiration came from Olivia Laing’s The Lonely City-which is a fabulous read I must admit.

We sometimes wind up doing things to ourselves that can lead to hurting others and ourselves straight out of fear of being lonely. It makes me wonder is that why we stay in relationships we know aren’t right for us? Because we let our limiting beliefs, fears and judgments convince us that somehow we will end up alone and unhappy for a long period of time? I wonder that from time to time because I would have those kind of doubts myself when I was contemplating getting out of a relationship.

I want to further explore this topic and get some feedback. Why do you think we avoid loneliness like an illness? Why is there such stigma towards it? Why can’t we respect it and view it as a developmental growth and as being independent? All thoughts are welcomed and this is a judgment free zone!

Have a beautiful day, lovelies!

Sincerely,

Sydni

Sydni Drake Did It Again

Holy SHITAKE 

I have been MIA for a good bit and since my absence, I have attempted to quit my job and I successfully up and relocated to FUCKING FLORIDA!!!!!!!

Let’s back it up…

Several weeks ago I was on vacation with the family and just felt compelled to “re-start” my life. In my poem “I need validation” I was feeling desperate for some good ‘ole growth! And that’s just what I did.

In the process I met Emery…. and…..his encouraging words……and his sex may have had some influenced this huge leap of faith….just a tad though.

We drove back home on June 10th and arrived on the 11th. On the 10th, (while not driving) I applied to some places and holy shit when I opened my e-mail at work (not my work e-mail…I’m not stupid)…I had 3 interviews set up in Jacksonville, FL for Tuesday, June 13th, 2017. I FREAKEDOUT!

 

I didn’t know how I was even going to get there and how was I even going to tell my supervisor!?!?! Not only is Walton a dear friend of mine, but also is my supervisor, I didn’t know how I was going to explain this. I just knew that I HAD to explore the job market and the cost of living in Florida. I didn’t want to live with regret; to regret not doing something, not taking that chance and to not catch that opportunity.

I walked in Walton’s office, closed the door and 2 hours later I had my one-way ticket to Jacksonville, FL.

I flew into Jacksonville that Monday night of the 12th; I had no clue (AND STILL DON’T) what I was doing there.

I cannot remember a more stressful week than the week I had in Jacksonville. I walked around for a couple of days, handing out my resume and asking managers for a job. In the process, I lost my fucking voice for two whole days. It was more than frustrating, my voice is my marketing tool, resumes only say so little, and without my voice, I couldn’t express who SYDNI DRAKE is and how fucking fantastic she truly is!

I got really sick. I got really sad. I got really discouraged. I got really sad. I didn’t know why the hell I was there. I didn’t know what I was doing there. I just didn’t.

Saturday came and I woke up with an epiphany… I weathered the storm! I reflected on the week I had and thought about how I could’ve taken it 1 out of 2 ways; 1. I got sick, lost my voice, felt lonely & sad, and was discouraged all week. Time to pack up and go home OR 2. I got sick, lost my voice, felt lonely & sad and discouraged…time to buckle up and keep going. I chose the 2nd route. It was time to buckle up and keep going. That was is when I decided that I AM moving to Florida.

I flew back Sunday afternoon and met Luke who picked me up from the airport. I dreaded going home and telling my Mom that I planned on relocating to Florida and then telling my supervisors the next day.

I came home that night and told my Mom:

“Hey, Mom, I’m back!”- Me

“Did you find a job?”-Mom

“No, but I have decided I want to move to Florida.”-Me

“I knew you would. You need to spread your wings, baby girl”- Mom

God. My Mom is the most magnificent human being on the face of the Universe. She has not ever held me back from doing the things that I have wanted to do. She has let me hit some walls(thankfully not too many walls have been damaged in the process of my life)!

 

To all the Mothers out there, you have got to let your kids live their lives. You cannot control nor hover everything they do. You won’t be able to monitor every step they make and every breath they take, so don’t even try. But you can be there to support them every step of the way. That’s what every child needs is their parent’s love and support.

Anyway, I put in my two weeks notice and it was quickly denied.

Instead, they gave me a PROMOTION and asked me if I would be interested in working remotely!! “Sydni, no matter where you go, you will always have a job here.” Those were the beautiful words that poured from Walton’s very mouth. I couldn’t believe it!

THIS IS SUCH A DREAM. I WILL NEVER FORGET TO COUNT MY STARTS BECAUSE I AM SO STUPID LUCKY!!!

So, July 1, I set sail and safely landed on the beautiful soil of Saint Augustine.

There will be a follow-up blog that is more introspective and with what I’ve learned thus far on this journey.

 

I may have relocated by myself but I was never alone in the process. I cannot take all the credit. I have had a tremendous amount of help from a lot of the locals and from my family and friends. I am supported and I am really loved.

 

I am lucky.

 

Alexithymia

I will never go on another family vacation. I got into a stupid tiff with my Mom. All today I have felt like a pubescent teen and all whiny. She got so insulted at me for explaining to her why I held her purse for her, so she wouldn’t lose it/forget about it. Everyone in the family knows that my Mom loses things, but that was not my intention at all to insult her or make her feel like an idiot…c’mon and what child would set out to do so anyway?!

I could see why she took what I said do personally but it really rattled me. I waved my hand in her face when she snapped at me and like the 25 year old pubescent teen that I am, I mouthed back “whatever”! And left the store. 
As soon as I headed towards the car I started to tear up and feel alone. 

I feel so alone. I have felt this since yesterday when we arrived to Florida. 

I’m with my family and I’ve never felt this lonely before. 

I checked the doors to see if they were locked and sure enough. So I headed out on my journey to walk back to the condo. 

“At least I’m exploring Florida on my own! Gosh, I’m so independent!” I thought and then suddenly the worry of my Mom freaking out and not being able to find me replaced my joyous walk. 

I didn’t carry any devices on me to communicate my whereabouts. 

I made it safely back to the condo and hopped in the tub for about 30 minutes to wash away my frustration. 

Now, I’m sitting in my room with my dinner. I am still trying to get over my mom. 

And now that I’m alone, I can’t help to think that I wish I never had attractions to Luke. I just began to feel a little possessive because I was his first true friend here in this city and introduced him to a lot. And I felt we had a great friendship & bond. 

To him, we still do, to me, I need more. 
I want to start fresh and get a new life, meet new people and remind myself to not have expectations. 

I don’t really miss my friends at home but I wish they would miss me? No, that’s not the thought, I wish they would reach out to me the way I reach out to them. That’s it! 

And not just when I’m on vacation but I mean in general. I am the one doing most of the reaching out…hello..who do you think got Wednesday Margarita nights together?! Anyway, I wish people would reach out and include me the way I include them. Maybe they do from time to time but I like to do it constantly and in return I hope for the same. And that’s when I get upset and down. Because I expect..I hope.. I want. 
Last night my not so best friend, Frances, messaged me out of the blue. I think this is a sign. We had so much fun together in the past but she would use me so much as her own little venting machine. I got drained and tired of her not putting effort into me the way I did into her. 

(Does anyone else see this pattern of mine? I distanced myself from Frances because she wouldn’t reciprocate nearly the way I did or as often as I did, and now I’m wanting to do the same with the runaround crew I have now.) 

Anyway, she and I had so much fun together and got in hell of a lot of trouble…those are stories for another day.. 

she reached out to me…actually. Just what I was wanting!!! 

We are going bar hopping when I get back from Florida. 

We both agreed that we need fun in our lives and I’m fucking tired of waiting on my runaround crew to ask me. It’s about fucking time I get up and have my own fun without expectations. 

Like I keep saying in almost all of my blogs, if Kathy was not in this runaround group I think I would feel better. The minute that she’s not included in margarita night, all hell breaks lose and it’s me that pays the price..I get bitten in the fucking ass. 
But to hell with it, it’s my life and I’m the one living it. 
Life is what you make it!

The Struggle ends when Gratitude begins

May 11, 2017, 8:07am: [My usual morning after thoughts after a long Wednesday margarita night]

Drinking kills your spirit.

Drinking has put my spirit in a coma. 

I drink for fun. But I don’t depend on drinking to have fun.

I get flirty when I drink.

I have made mistakes by doing that. 

Last night I let Jaxson (some guy I’ve only met twice) lick the salt off my finger. 

I got called out on it.

It was semi-embarrassing.

I tried to deny it.

My friends didn’t like that.

They said, “What about Tom? What will Tom think?”

They think I am sleazy, I am trying to not care.

I feel so down on myself. 

I am naturally flirty, drinking just heightens the experience by 10X.

Jaxson unfriended me from the social media platform, Snapchat. 

I am sure that was the talk of the night. Hopefully a short lived one.

I feel embarrassed now. I had three margaritas. 

I asked Kathy and Luke this morning why would he unfriend me and dumped that issue on them. 

But then quickly replied that I didn’t actually care. 

I feel dumb for texting Luke that question.

Why do I feel like I made a huge mistake?

I feel embarrassed.

They do not play with sleazy people.

There’s no room for that in this group.

But, I am not trying to be sleazy. I was harmlessly flirting. 

They are good people. Should I be thankful they called me out?! 

Jaxson called me out and so did his roommate, Raul, and his brother, Will. 

It was so stupid how Raul blew it way out of proportion. 

I feel stupid. 

SIGH.

I am sitting at my desk typing away. 

To make myself look busy, especially when I don’t have enough work to do.

God. 

Drinking is no fun.

Maybe I should just go sober. I can’t keep up with all these other 20somethings.

I guess it’s time for a new friend group?

What’s wrong with me?

What’s my problem????????????????

Why am I feeling like I am slowly going downward?

I don’t know what I want to do.

I am feeling very upset.

I also don’t like how Kathy has to be involved. I want my OWN friends. 

I need a new friend group. 

I need older friends. Where do I find them?

I fucking hate that alcohol is a depressant. It makes you act like a fool

and you may live to regret it.

Drugs and Alcohol are so stupid. 

Why do they even exist? 

I think it was put on this earth for people to learn from it. 

I am glad I asked Luke afterall, he said that I should bring it up to Jaxson, so I did.

And if Jaxson doesn’t reply, then I know it’s nothing to take personally.
Back to what I was saying, I think drugs and alcohol are put on this earth for certain people to learn from. They chose this path in a way when they were born, their souls knew what the outcome was going to be, they were signing up to use, abuse and die. Their lesson they’re being taught is to overcome this powerful negative (drugs/alcohol) and if they cannot, they die, and have to re-start all over in the next life.

Luke is such a good friend, he sent me a quote, “The Struggle ends when Gratitude beings”. That was nice. 
I am being a little overdramatic right now. And my life is STELLAR. 

I have great friends,

I have a job, 

I have a great mission in life 

I have motivation

I have a cell phone

I have a stellar family

Speaking of family, I told Tom that we need to take a break. 

I also don’t care if Jaxson ever replies or not.

Anyway, sigh. 
I need to get out of my head. And start my work.

Reciprocity doesn’t equal Validation

I need validation-not salvation .

I’m hard on myself and I can’t let go.

I feel so stuck, I yearn to grow.

I think to myself, “I can be more”,

It’s making my life feel more like a chore.
I’ve got blessings I need to address.

Looking back doesn’t mean I regress.

I want to be well thought of with my name on their mind. 

Everyone says I’m one-of- a- kind. 
They sure don’t show it. And it makes me feel unfit. 

There I go again feeling less. I want more people to be bold and confess. 
At the end of the day all I have is myself. I’ll never settle and be put on the shelf.

What do you live for on this day?

Get out in the world and let yourself say

All the beautiful and ugly things that you feel. 

I’m the only one that feels real. 

I don’t need validation. 

I need a vacation. 

Fuck Fomo

It’s loading time. I am sitting on my bed jotting down this thought. 

I have slightly been unenthusiastic about this trip (so unlike me!) due to the fact that I’m going to miss my friends….like what the hell?! I’m leaving for freaking Florida!!! That’s my east coast getaway, baby! And I’m sitting here thinking about how I fear that I will miss out on something that I haven’t already done with my friends. 

I cannot believe this fomo is real right now or really just in my head. 

I’ve had this new group of friends since about early March 2017. It wouldn’t be so bad if Kathy wasn’t freaking in it. 

You see I am the kind of earthling that is skilled in the art of inclusion and it does bite me in my ass. Kathy is my love/dislike best friend but somehow we can’t get away from each other. In late March, Kathy’s boyfriend broke up with her and I just had to drop everything to make sure she was okay and didn’t feel all alone. I invited her to the Wednesday Margarita night and everyone hit it off big time. So ever since then, she’s been part of MY circle. I have to have friends outside of my friends. 

Maybe getting away from everyone will be actually nice and I know it’ll be totally refreshing! I wonder if any of them think this much about me as I do them!? I only have fomo so bad right now because I don’t want to feel “replaced” by Kathy or that Kathy makes all the newest memories with them. I am the one that usually ends up hurt in these situations but that could be because I expect so much from my friends and I have such high standards for the way I live my life! 

I also had this fleeting thought: Why do I care about it? What does it matter if I miss out on silly margarita night with them? I’m going o Florida…so long suckers! 

I also wonder if they’ll even think of me when I’m gone? Will they include me the way that I include them and make them feel important? 

When Tom and I broke up, I called Kathy first but quickly had to go because Raul (who is holding the cake with me in my photo) showed up. So I texted Kathy and told her that Tom and I broke up. All she asked was “and how do you feel?” No phone calls. I replied to her and got no reply until the next day. No asking me if I was okay or if I needed anything. No dropping everything to see if I wanted to spend time with her. 

Can you sense some saltiness? Or is that just the ocean calling? 

God. I love the ocean. It’s mystical. 

Universe and Spirit Guide, I seek to have all of my doubts, worries and fears to be swept away like all the precious sea shells that I can’t ever capture fast enough due to the heavy waves that washes them away.

 Thank you.