Starting Fresh, Polyamorous

Thanks to Beginning to Bloom’s post it prompted me to look within myself and see what areas of my life can I either let go of or open up my self to explore more. I was able to relate my current #Romantic predicament to that post, so I’m just going to cut to the chase here, I have been hooking up with Sam for several months off and on. I’ve even cheated with him.

We recently met up and discussed our relationship. We can’t seem to close ourselves off from each other yet we don’t want to commit to one another. His deal is that he wants to stay open to other people in fear of missing out on his “Natalie Portman” and I just want to meet and love on multiple people. I have so much love to give and I can’t get myself to believe that we humans were born to be with just one person for the rest of our lives.

I had this thought, why don’t we start off as a polyamorous couple with no expectations.

I told him that we need to get to know each other and we will do that by spending more time together outside of the bedroom.

He agreed, we will openly date with intention and without expectations.

I will be blogging throughout this new and strange experience. I want to document my emotions and what I learn from this.

I’m doing this really cool thing called whatever I want. And by doing so, I am trying to live as honestly as I can and following my explorations and not conforming to what outside may approve or disapprove of.

First thing I need to do now is, confront Jacob, whom I’ve been seeing for a month, that I started an open relationship with a former hookup.

Ta-Ta for now,

Sydni

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my Birthday! I woke up feeling GREAT!!

I am in great health!

I am abundant!

I am adored!

I have people who love me and care about me!

What more could I wish for?!

Let’s back it up to about 8:30AM when I was chatting with my supervisor about how this Birthday feels different because I am not holding on to expectations. I explained to him that in the past, I would have these high hopes that I would get all of these wishes and sweet phone calls telling me all the wonderful birthday things I want to hear. I continued to go on to him about how most years I would be let down and it would affect my mood on My special day.

This year is different, I exclaimed to him, I wasn’t holding any hopes or expectations. And I left his office with a smile!

But as the texts and the Facebook posts kept flooding in and seeing who they were from, my gut made that sinking feeling deep inside, and I couldn’t shake off the disappointment.

I cried, again, this year.

I only feel this way because I think Birthdays are a BIG deal and they should be made a BIG deal. I am the one who calls at midnight to call and wish my loved ones a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

In the past when they’ve not been reciprocated, I’ve dealt with them like I am doing so now, I write about it. And I try to do better for my loved ones and call them!

I guess the only advice I have for this seemingly impersonal society is to call your loved ones and tell them Happy Birthday. Or just call them for no reason!

Regardless, I know this is so elementary but calling someone really, really makes their day better. For me, it lifts me to hear the genuine tone of my friend’s voices when they call me to check on me.

Calling goes a long way if you can’t see that person face to face.

I am so happy that today I woke up healthy, alive, abundant, adored, looked up to, cherished, loved, warm, safe, well fed, walking, cared for and with a smile on my face!

💜🍓😊Thank you for reading this and the warm thoughts💜🌸✨

Xoxo,

Sydni D.

Thoughts on loneliness

Loneliness can get you into trouble but don’t avoid it like the plague.

Welcome loneliness in like an old friend and when it’s time for them to leave-let it go.

Watch your thoughts, don’t judge the feelings, allow them to be present.

Loneliness can be so unbearable at times and it’s so uncomfortable to experience but if you just allow yourself to be present, aware in the moment, feel what you feel and go through the wave-you’ll come to realize that you’re only human.

Sometimes I wonder why we get ourselves into such dilemmas trying to avert ourselves from loneliness. Does it really feel that bad for that long that you can’t just flow with the moment in it? And I am not meaning to come off as judgmental but merely curious about other’s experiences and thoughts circulating loneliness.

This has been an undeveloped thought of mine-I haven’t thought too hard on the topic but I am so fascinated by all things lonely. My inspiration came from Olivia Laing’s The Lonely City-which is a fabulous read I must admit.

We sometimes wind up doing things to ourselves that can lead to hurting others and ourselves straight out of fear of being lonely. It makes me wonder is that why we stay in relationships we know aren’t right for us? Because we let our limiting beliefs, fears and judgments convince us that somehow we will end up alone and unhappy for a long period of time? I wonder that from time to time because I would have those kind of doubts myself when I was contemplating getting out of a relationship.

I want to further explore this topic and get some feedback. Why do you think we avoid loneliness like an illness? Why is there such stigma towards it? Why can’t we respect it and view it as a developmental growth and as being independent? All thoughts are welcomed and this is a judgment free zone!

Have a beautiful day, lovelies!

Sincerely,

Sydni

The Struggle ends when Gratitude begins

May 11, 2017, 8:07am: [My usual morning after thoughts after a long Wednesday margarita night]

Drinking kills your spirit.

Drinking has put my spirit in a coma. 

I drink for fun. But I don’t depend on drinking to have fun.

I get flirty when I drink.

I have made mistakes by doing that. 

Last night I let Jaxson (some guy I’ve only met twice) lick the salt off my finger. 

I got called out on it.

It was semi-embarrassing.

I tried to deny it.

My friends didn’t like that.

They said, “What about Tom? What will Tom think?”

They think I am sleazy, I am trying to not care.

I feel so down on myself. 

I am naturally flirty, drinking just heightens the experience by 10X.

Jaxson unfriended me from the social media platform, Snapchat. 

I am sure that was the talk of the night. Hopefully a short lived one.

I feel embarrassed now. I had three margaritas. 

I asked Kathy and Luke this morning why would he unfriend me and dumped that issue on them. 

But then quickly replied that I didn’t actually care. 

I feel dumb for texting Luke that question.

Why do I feel like I made a huge mistake?

I feel embarrassed.

They do not play with sleazy people.

There’s no room for that in this group.

But, I am not trying to be sleazy. I was harmlessly flirting. 

They are good people. Should I be thankful they called me out?! 

Jaxson called me out and so did his roommate, Raul, and his brother, Will. 

It was so stupid how Raul blew it way out of proportion. 

I feel stupid. 

SIGH.

I am sitting at my desk typing away. 

To make myself look busy, especially when I don’t have enough work to do.

God. 

Drinking is no fun.

Maybe I should just go sober. I can’t keep up with all these other 20somethings.

I guess it’s time for a new friend group?

What’s wrong with me?

What’s my problem????????????????

Why am I feeling like I am slowly going downward?

I don’t know what I want to do.

I am feeling very upset.

I also don’t like how Kathy has to be involved. I want my OWN friends. 

I need a new friend group. 

I need older friends. Where do I find them?

I fucking hate that alcohol is a depressant. It makes you act like a fool

and you may live to regret it.

Drugs and Alcohol are so stupid. 

Why do they even exist? 

I think it was put on this earth for people to learn from it. 

I am glad I asked Luke afterall, he said that I should bring it up to Jaxson, so I did.

And if Jaxson doesn’t reply, then I know it’s nothing to take personally.
Back to what I was saying, I think drugs and alcohol are put on this earth for certain people to learn from. They chose this path in a way when they were born, their souls knew what the outcome was going to be, they were signing up to use, abuse and die. Their lesson they’re being taught is to overcome this powerful negative (drugs/alcohol) and if they cannot, they die, and have to re-start all over in the next life.

Luke is such a good friend, he sent me a quote, “The Struggle ends when Gratitude beings”. That was nice. 
I am being a little overdramatic right now. And my life is STELLAR. 

I have great friends,

I have a job, 

I have a great mission in life 

I have motivation

I have a cell phone

I have a stellar family

Speaking of family, I told Tom that we need to take a break. 

I also don’t care if Jaxson ever replies or not.

Anyway, sigh. 
I need to get out of my head. And start my work.

Reciprocity doesn’t equal Validation

I need validation-not salvation .

I’m hard on myself and I can’t let go.

I feel so stuck, I yearn to grow.

I think to myself, “I can be more”,

It’s making my life feel more like a chore.
I’ve got blessings I need to address.

Looking back doesn’t mean I regress.

I want to be well thought of with my name on their mind. 

Everyone says I’m one-of- a- kind. 
They sure don’t show it. And it makes me feel unfit. 

There I go again feeling less. I want more people to be bold and confess. 
At the end of the day all I have is myself. I’ll never settle and be put on the shelf.

What do you live for on this day?

Get out in the world and let yourself say

All the beautiful and ugly things that you feel. 

I’m the only one that feels real. 

I don’t need validation. 

I need a vacation. 

Fuck Fomo

It’s loading time. I am sitting on my bed jotting down this thought. 

I have slightly been unenthusiastic about this trip (so unlike me!) due to the fact that I’m going to miss my friends….like what the hell?! I’m leaving for freaking Florida!!! That’s my east coast getaway, baby! And I’m sitting here thinking about how I fear that I will miss out on something that I haven’t already done with my friends. 

I cannot believe this fomo is real right now or really just in my head. 

I’ve had this new group of friends since about early March 2017. It wouldn’t be so bad if Kathy wasn’t freaking in it. 

You see I am the kind of earthling that is skilled in the art of inclusion and it does bite me in my ass. Kathy is my love/dislike best friend but somehow we can’t get away from each other. In late March, Kathy’s boyfriend broke up with her and I just had to drop everything to make sure she was okay and didn’t feel all alone. I invited her to the Wednesday Margarita night and everyone hit it off big time. So ever since then, she’s been part of MY circle. I have to have friends outside of my friends. 

Maybe getting away from everyone will be actually nice and I know it’ll be totally refreshing! I wonder if any of them think this much about me as I do them!? I only have fomo so bad right now because I don’t want to feel “replaced” by Kathy or that Kathy makes all the newest memories with them. I am the one that usually ends up hurt in these situations but that could be because I expect so much from my friends and I have such high standards for the way I live my life! 

I also had this fleeting thought: Why do I care about it? What does it matter if I miss out on silly margarita night with them? I’m going o Florida…so long suckers! 

I also wonder if they’ll even think of me when I’m gone? Will they include me the way that I include them and make them feel important? 

When Tom and I broke up, I called Kathy first but quickly had to go because Raul (who is holding the cake with me in my photo) showed up. So I texted Kathy and told her that Tom and I broke up. All she asked was “and how do you feel?” No phone calls. I replied to her and got no reply until the next day. No asking me if I was okay or if I needed anything. No dropping everything to see if I wanted to spend time with her. 

Can you sense some saltiness? Or is that just the ocean calling? 

God. I love the ocean. It’s mystical. 

Universe and Spirit Guide, I seek to have all of my doubts, worries and fears to be swept away like all the precious sea shells that I can’t ever capture fast enough due to the heavy waves that washes them away.

 Thank you. 

What I want you to know 

I am sitting at work yet again. Why am I not a blogger or a writer? I have WAY too many thoughts, yo.
I’ve been using the word “dude” a lot lately, it’s like as if I’ve time traveled to my 17 year old self again. 

I finally got over myself since yesterday. I was feeling super crummy straight out of 10. Want to know the worst thing to experience on YOUR birthday….PMS. 
It ‘s a down-right tragic. Not really. I’m trying to sound like I’m a savvy slice of charm.
It wasn’t THAT tragic but it was just a down-right downer!! You hear me? 
My supervisor asked me to share my calendar with her via outlook, that’s super tech. 
So back to me getting over myself. (There’s some commotion out in the hallway and the laughter fills my heart and ears with joy!!) 

Someone bought a coke. 

I was really in my feels yesterday and just sick of the world and my friends in it. 
I was just really thinking of Asheville, NC and how zen, green and yoga it is. 
*SIGH*********************

I had such epic bedhead today and I made it even sloppier and sprayed it. I look GOOD. 

Speaking of knowing things, I do know my worth. I know how WORTHY I truly am. I also know the type of person I am, which is: HIGHLY emotionally intelligent, I possess an unusual high amount of thoughtfulness (I say this because it really throws people off of their rocking horse). I know I am not narcissistic. I know that I STRIVE every day to be MORE kind, more patient, MORE enthusiastic, more empowering, more inspiring, MORE of everything. I do know I am VERY hard on myself. I need to CUT IT OUT, Joey!

I get tired of hearing from those who really care about me that I am “so thoughtful and so caring and so sweet, and that I touch the hearts of those around me….”and etc., I am tired of hearing all of these kind-hearted comments about myself/my personality because these are things that I already know and things that I was born with, it’s the same to me as if someone came up to me and said, “Wow, Sydni, you were born with 2 eyes and a brain, how glamorous”…I KNOW THIS ABOUT ME. I live it. I breathe it. I manifest it. I share it. And it blows people away.

I know people like Ms.O, Steph, Tina oxford comma and Walton love me and genuinely mean all of these good things about myself, 
but that’s just IT 
I DON’T WANT TO BE JUST NOTICED FOR ALL OF THESE THINGS. I know just HOW good of a person I am and I am so grateful that my sprit guide and universe have helped me COME SO FAR and to this point in my life. but I want more from life. 

It saddens me because people shouldn’t be surprised by my niceness and my authentic genuine and trustworthy thoughtful self. It saddens me to the core because it amazes me that people are shocked by these traits and deem them as “Uncommon”…I know I’m kind of an exception because my traits are VERY uncommon in most people especially of those around MY AGE! People are living their lives thinking that they are treated the way they deserve….and that’s not always so good because their perceptions of themselves and everyone else is WRONG. ALL earthlings and non-earthlings need to be treated with deep-rooted respect and utmost love, no harm done unto others, be it physical, psychological, no harm ever. It leaves  me feeling dumbfounded that people are amazed by my good qualities. I am in self-love mode right now, do not mistake it for anything else; don’t get it twisted.

Another issue since it’s 11:30AM on the rise to High Noon, 
I know that we live in a world where it’s a “ME ME ME” narrative. I get it, I totally get it. We need to love ourselves and put ourselves first and no one comes first before me…I’ve got to look out for me because I’m all I’ve got at the end of the day, blah blah blah zebrashit. …
…YES, you MUST love yourself FIRST but you can ALSO love others AT THE SAME TIME ALL THE TIME. WHOA!!!! !@#!@#@@$@#%^#^ GNARLY!
We don’t have to live in a world where it’s a one woman/man out for themselves kind of life. We are here to support and empower each other, not tear each other down and judge. We do need to take good care of ourselves but another way to help yourself and take good care of yourself is to take good care of those around you and those who are strange(rs). Smile more and ask if you can do something for someone, more.
I sometimes feel like my friends get wrapped up in their own good times/fantasies/self-care/their way to the top/their own career/their own tiny world that they truly miss out on the ones who really want to be with them and may actually need their attention and genuine affection. 

I get it, people get so wrapped up in their own work life, home life, dog life, friend life, family life, and life’s life oxford comma they accidentally forget. They don’t think about it. They don’t mean to, they just allow themselves to get so dang tangled in this web they call “busy life of me”. They forget the simplest way to just be. 
I know I am not perfect. I forget. But I make the intention to not. I make the intention to be thoughtful.
It’s all in OUR intention and what truly matters to us. What really excites us to our bones. 

Anyway, I have said enough about all of that. 

Boy news: I FINALLY figured out why Kathy was trying so exxxtra hard to hangout with me and sugar coat and butter me up…I hung out with Luke on Monday, May 29th, 2017 and he told me that for a straight week he tried to “talk” to Kathy…I am sure some flirting went on but anyway, Kathy finally asked me a little while later how I really felt about Luke and I told her that I had a minor crush on him and whatnot. [[For your information, not that you need it, but I wouldn’t date Luke, it’s just a friend crush, the usual and cliché one that every boy and girl friends develop merely from curiosity]]. ANYWAY, she really was going somewhat the exxxtra mile to “please” me almost. She felt bad. She wanted to reassure me that I am her #1 and that boys would never get in the way of the 18 years of friendship. But in hindsight..it really made sense. I thought she might’ve had a change of heart and just really wanted to hangout with me because of ME for ME..not for HER benefit of SAVING FACE. Cooll Sydni. I really know how to pick ’em. 

I want to manifiest and ask for more genuine friends. Also, I am not ungrateful. As I was typing my “Boy news” section, Emily called me and we chatted. She is my co-worker, spunky, co-worker. 
I am so happy she’s in my life. I am so glad that the Universe graced me with her existence. And Tina’s and Walton’s 🙂

Thank you. 

I guess I just really want to manifest more of a runaround crew that are genuine and want to have a slammin’ good time. Like my current runaround crew. I just get tired of my friend group sometimes and that’s why I WANT friends outside of this current friend group and one that doesn’t INVOVLE KATHY!!! 
“Say what you mean and do what you say”-the Danes-we can all learn from them